10 Types of 30-Year-Old Single Guys

30-year-old guys are a curious bunch. Find me a group of 30-year-old men and I’ll pick out one overgrown frat dude living with roommates, another guy who just dropped his two kids off at school, a few who are well into their careers and a couple soul-searchers looking for work. Some will tell you that they’ve finally figured it all out and some more will say they feel hopeless for the first time in their lives. It’s a motley crew. But perhaps the motliest part of this crowd is the ever-growing group of 30-year-old single guys. If you want a case study in humanity, 30-year-old single guys have pretty much all the bases covered. Let’s examine some of the common types:


1) The Total Package

The Total Package is smart—he went to a top college. The Total Package is an athlete, a musician, and an avid traveler. The Total Package is handsome—and you better believe he’s well-groomed.
The Total Package has a hell of a career going, but don’t you for a second suggest that The Total Package would be a workaholic—The Total Package is a family man.

There’s just one thing The Total Package seems to be having a hard time finding—a girl worthy of his greatness.

Yes, the woman fit for The Total Package will be the ultimate icing on his cake of perfection. He imagines her often—gorgeous as they come, she turns heads; bursting with charm and charisma, she lights up every room she enters; she’s a brilliant rising star in her career and beloved by her many friends. And that’s just her public persona—at home, she’s fantastic in bed, a spectacular cook, loving, selfless, and devoted. Oh and she also speaks French, plays tennis, sings beautifully, reads voraciously and she’s a history buff. His Juliet.

Unsurprisingly, The Total Package is single. He’s immersed in a fierce battle between his superhuman standards and his terror of being 40 and single—because 40 and single is not supposed to be part of The Total Package’s story.

 

2) The New Lease On Life Guy

 

As long as anyone can remember, The New Lease On Life Guy had been dating his longterm girlfriend. He never seemed that happy in the relationship, but everyone just assumed they would eventually get married. Now, after a long and difficult breakup, The New Lease On Life Guy has reemerged with a bang and is suddenly acting like he just got called down on The Price Is Right. He’s not really sure how to be single but he’s goddamn happy he is, and he’s sure as hell going out tonight.

He’s also the arch-nemesis of The Resigned Fiance, who’s in an equally unhappy relationship but just kind of kept going with it, unable to resist the sweet, sweet inertia, and who most certainly does not want to hear about The New Lease On Life Guy’s latest exploits.


3) The Guy Who Has To Marry Someone Of The Same Ethnicity Or His Parents Will Never Speak To Him Again

It’s hard enough finding someone to be your life partner, and this guy’s parents are really not making things any easier. He tried to rebel briefly, but after his last girlfriend was not allowed in his parents’ house, causing her to cry, he gave up on that.

He’d also really appreciate it if his mother would stop setting him up on dates.


4) The Misogynist

The Misogynist hates women, and women hate The Misogynist. The Misogynist doesn’t know a whole lot about the other gender, but he can tell you the exact number of them he’s slept with—214.

He did quite well with girls back in his earlier days when many were in their attracted to assholes phase, but lately, only those with the lowest self-esteem seem to gravitate towards him.

The Misogynist’s close cousin is The Perpetual Cheater. They’re different but they understand each other.


5) The Guy Who Peaked Too Early

Back in the day, The Guy Who Peaked Too Early had everything a 17-year-old girl could ever dream of. His sky-high confidence carried him smoothly through college, and no one was surprised when he landed a smart, sweet, beautiful girlfriend in his early 20s. But The Guy Who Peaked Too Early was just getting started. There was a field that needed to be played, and he broke up with his girlfriend when he was 24.

Now it’s seven years later, his hair got bored and left, and his high school football glory isn’t part of the conversation that much these days. And he’s noticing that girls like his ex-girlfriend don’t seem to be all that into him anymore. Realizing this about five years after everyone else, he takes a deep sigh and cranks his standards down a few big notches.

His antithesis is The Guy Who’s Finally a Good Catch. After losing some weight, getting decent clothes, and having early career success, this guy is getting more attention each week than he got in his first 25 years combined. He prominently displays photos on Facebook of himself on dates with attractive girls for the express purpose of making sure everyone from his high school sees his current situation.

 

6) The Normal Guy Who Just Hasn’t Met The Right Girl Yet And He Really Wishes People Would Stop Looking At Him With Those Pitying Eyes

 

Ah, The NGWJHMTRGYAHRWPWSLAHWTPE. The NGWJHMTRGYAHRWPWSLAHWTPE is enjoying his life. He likes his job, he likes his friends, and he likes being single just fine. He’s in no rush to be in a relationship and feels totally confident that at some point, he’ll meet the right girl and get married.

He’s also not quite sure why everyone who knows him is trying to figure out “what the problem is.” His parents are worried, never wasting an opportunity to ask him if he’s been dating anyone. His friends want to help, setting him up on dates every chance they get. He appreciates all the unsolicited support, but he also thinks it would be pretty great if everyone stopped thinking there was something wrong with him.


7) The Aggressively Online Dating Guy Who Can’t Believe He’s Not Married Yet

The opposite of the previous guy, The Aggressively Online Dating Guy Who Can’t Believe He’s Not Married Yet can’t believe he’s not married yet. Through high school, college and his twenties, he was always The Guy With A Girlfriend. He spent years enjoying pitying his single friends, and somehow, he’s now 30 and single.

He has four online dating profiles, and when people ask him if he’s dating anyone, he explains that he’s just too busy with his career right now for a relationship.

 

8) The In-The-Closet Guy

 

The In-The-Closet Guy is so close to being the perfect catch—he’s handsome, he’s well-dressed, and he has a great job. He’s funny, articulate, and charming. The only tiny little inconvenience is that he’s not attracted to females whatsoever.

His antithesis is The NGWJHMTRGYAHRWPWSLAHWTPE, who’s had just enough of the theories about him being gay, since he’s completely straight and, for the hundredth time, just hasn’t met the right girl yet and is really very okay with being single right now.


9) The Chinese Single Guy

 

The Chinese Single Guy appreciates the government’s effort to control population through their One-Child Policy. He really does. But he’d also ya know like to lose his virginity at some point and that’s kind of hard when there are 18% more men than women in his generation.

This is because a lot of The Chinese Single Guy’s potential girlfriends were killed by their parents when they were two hours old.

The Chinese Single Guy doesn’t know what China’s plan is for the excess 18% of guys who will not be able to find a wife, but he’s pretty sure they’re not making the situation any easier by rampantly discriminating against homosexuality.


10) The Guy Who Has Just Fully Quit At This Point

The Guy Who Has Just Fully Quit At This Point never tried that hard in the first place, but at least there used to be a semblance of effort. He doesn’t like going to bars, refuses to try online dating, and both the bong and the X-Box are back in the living room following their brief stint in the closet after his friend gave him a pep talk one day four months ago.

Deep down, The Guy Who Has Just Fully Quit At This Point is pretty frightened about a lot of things, but his fear manifests itself in indifferent denial, and passivity usually prevails. There is only way that things change for The Guy Who Has Just Fully Quit At This Point, and that’s to find himself squarely in the sights of The Girl Who Relentlessly Pursues. Until then, the whole thing isn’t really his issue.

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106 comments - jump to comment field »

  1. Anonymous

    what about the soul-searching wanderer that can’t ever be tied down to one place or one person or one-year leases who is convinced that he has a good heart but his inherent selfishness and adventurous spirit won’t allow him to give his heart to one person but rather, divie them up into tiny little pieces for all the women in the world to share? he usually worships hemingway and kerouac and hunter s. thompson.

    • Anonymous

      Who are you and why do you know so well my relationship history?! I agree, the adventurous Peter Pan is missing here, the stray bullet who figures he’s a nice guy and everyone thinks he is, but he’s just selfish as hell. Also has quite an ego and is condescending, and will eventually say thing like “don’t fall for me, I’m a traveler” and similar BS.

    • Anonymous

      I’m that guy too!!
      But would just give a subtle warning – that the likelihood of this turning into a serious relationship is pretty small. However, I really like to be with you right now…

    • Anonymous

      I don’t know whether it is the testosterone or what but guys tend to think about these things practically (as well as romantically). An attractive guy will have lots of potential mates. Why would he want to settle down at 30? He can become a dad any time over the next 40 years. He won’t really start feeling the “hmm I don’t want to be 60 at my kid’s high school graduation” for at least another 10 years. By then he’ll be even more successful at his career (or for the wanderer no less successful) making him even more attractive (and able to attract a desirable mate).

      It’s kind of like the mismatch between a man’s sexual peak (somewhere around 18) and a woman’s sexual peak (typically 10 years or more later). Kinda sucks for sure but on a purely practical level a man at 30 has very little to lose and 10 years of fun to gain by putting off marriage and child rearing for 10 years.

      Throw in the great career type, who can afford to eat out at restaurants every night, hire someone to clean his dwelling and the like, and in purely practical terms he has lots of reasons to not get married and have a family at 30.

    • Anonymous

      Yep, I’m number 10 too. It wasn’t really a surprise. The part of “the whole thing isn’t really his issue.” was the most telling. To be completely honest if you are number 10 like me you wish that Life wasn’t your issue. It just leads to more life which leads to more crap to deal with. We should all just admit that we are going through the motions because everyone else around us finds it so god damn important to do so.

    • Anonymous

      Excellent point. People don’t understand us 10′s. We are passive and seem uncaring about fitting into roles because we have seen how fake a lot of the game is and we don’t wanna play it anymore. Once you start to become aware of this, it is frightening to try to play the game because you know that it ultimately doesn’t hold much genuine peace-of-mind. If success and relationships are tied into genuine satisfaction with life how come so many people aren’t satisfied and/or get divorced? How come that well paying job starts to suck the life out of you and you just become a shell of flesh pursuing some meaningless paper so that you can buy more shit to fill your void? What about all those famous celebrities that end up like the worn out wrecks you see on the street? These people have it all? Apparently not.

    • Anonymous

      What this guy said. Or maybe we’re just “afraid of a lot of things” and trying to rationalize our failure. I personally have a hard time connecting with ANYBODY these days, most people are brainwashed sheep, unwitting tools of major corporations.

  2. There seems to be a whole lot more #10 guys than anyone else on this list. All my old single friends are just waiting for a girl to fall into their lap while they are playing X-box. Ain’t gunna happen, as the Relentlessly Pursuing girls are all starting to be grabbed up by another group: The Recent Divorcees Who Were Screwed Over By Domineering Women.

  3. I think you’re giving The Guy Who’s Finally a Good Catch short shrift here. These guys are the absolute BEST! In fact if you swap “losing some weight, getting decent clothes” with “lost the perm, braces, and stopped playing trombone” I’m basically the lady-version of this guy.

    The Guy Who’s Finally a Good Catch is pretty much the best guy around. Unless he’s too busy posting “see how hot I am now” photos on FB in which case he’s a douche and probably well on his way into turning into the Total Package.

  4. Anonymous

    It’s mighty arrogant but I fit the total package stereotype the most. If someone could teach me how to be less picky and overthinking it’d be great..:\

  5. Anonymous

    I wish this list were true, but every guy I know who is 30ish and single-ish is either divorced with a big shoulder chip, has a kid between the ages of 3 and 7 from a previous marriage or irresponsible sexual relations, works 60-80 hours/week, and/or socially incapable of marketing himself as available/interested/ALIVE…idk. You’re telling me there’s hope? LOL

  6. Anonymous

    As I was reading I was trying to figure out which of these categorizes best described me, until I realized part way through that being in a long term relationship kind of disqualifies me from any of these bins. But u until I met her I was pretty much NGWJHMTRGYAHRWPWSLAHWTPE though.

  7. Anonymous

    Keep up the great blog posts. I can’t help but come back to your site every couple days on my lunch break, desperately hoping I’ll find a new article.

  8. Anonymous

    I think I’m missing something here. Why is it so bad to be a single man at 30? Life only gets better as a single man after all. This is the kind of thing women should be worried about, not men.

    • Bea

      Right, because clearly single women over thirty either die or must go live in a convent since their life is over forever. God forbid that they have a career, friends, hobbies or any other thing to fulfill their life that doesn’t come attached to a penis.

    • I think you are missing a lot of things here. It is really great that you don’t mind being single because my guess is that you will be for quite some time. The next time you realize how stale your life is with your video games, porn, and frozen dinners I hope you think back to this post number ten. While you ponder your dull existence, there will be lots of beautiful, well rounded individuals building meaningful relationships, eating delicious dinners, and having great conversations.

    • Anonymous

      haha. wow. i don’t play video games, i cook my dinner daily, and rarely watch porn. i really have to roll my eyes when people default to these types of assumptions about a single guy. i have a lot of meaningful relationships with women, i just don’t choose to be in a relationship. is it so hard to believe that a man can have a good life without a woman?

      i’m not trying to say that a woman can’t either, but the facts are that womens looks are fading by the time they hit 30, if they want to land a quality guy they don’t have too much time left, especially if they want to have kids. men don’t face any of these constraints.

    • These are default assumptions about all single people. Not just men. It isn’t hard to believe that a man can have a good life without a woman. It IS hard to believe that a person can live a good life without experiencing commitment and profound respect from at least one other person for an extended period of time.
      The fact is that both genders looks wane in the long run. A saggy scrotum is just as gross (if not grosser) as a saggy pair of tits.
      True, there is a time limit for having children, but who would want to have a daughter with a man that would cast her into the “ugly old maid” category after just 30 short years of life.
      Maybe your delusion of “Life only getting better for single men” will end when your dick stops working.

    • Anonymous

      Truthfully, more and more women are realizing what an oppressive institution marriage is and are choosing to stay single because they don’t NEED men, and men are paying the price. You go, girls!

  9. Anonymous

    I’m not sure I’d want to hear about the 10 types of married men, in might push me over the edge into category 10.

  10. Anonymous

    Wait…are any of these guys mountain guides?! And I think aside from Peter Pan syndrome, they have an official name: The FOMO Guy (Fear of Missing Out). I feel your pain. xo

  11. As a soon-to-be-single-again 30 year old, this is the sort of stuff that haunts my nightmares.

    Also I expected some self-referential humor here… are you not single?

  12. This blog is really great. I like that the publisher relies on his experiences without trying to back it with studies or statistics. An author who doesn’t take oneself too seriously and mercilessly gives a dose of his dry sense of humor is something to relish. Something about the awesome shitty cartoons pulls at my heart strings. I wait for it every week and I know why.

  13. This was too funny and I laughed so hard because I know so many of these guys. I know its bad but the chinese guy one is really funny. I’m going to hell for this!!

  14. Rob

    Clever and funny but I think we can deduce two things here: The writer is female (obvious), and it appears as if a certain measure of projection is in play. All these types of men display (at least to the writer) the same defect: They aren’t marriageable material. 30yr old dudes may be married…or not. And evidence suggests that more of them are deciding (logically in my view) against. But they don’t obsess over it, and certainly don’t view it as a defect.

  15. Anonymous

    What’s wrong with being single? What if this was “10 types of 30-year-old single girls”? I think we’d see a ton of tumblr-feminists saying it’s missoginy.

    • Anonymous

      What, did this article hurt your feelings? If you’re a single male, you’re a loser. If you’re a single woman, you’re choosing not to conform to societal standards.

    • Anonymous

      What are you an idiot?? Was Newton a loser? Michelangelo, Da Vinci?? Tesla? Some men are not interested in romantic relationships, you are the loser to think in this conformist collectivist way. You are the loser, Anonymous.

      • I'm also Anonymous

        Michelangelo was gay, Da Vinci was gay, and Tesla had romantic love for a pigeon “as a man loves a woman”, so I think we can just toss that right out. But yeah, Newton was a loser. And probably gay.

  16. Anonymous

    is there a following-up artical on 30-year-old sing girl? I’d like to find out what type of single girl i’d be in!

  17. Anonymous

    Consider an alternative viewpoint on the total package. Having a great career at 30 generally means you are either incredibly driven, incredibly lucky or working for rich parents. Most people change careers at least once and a lot of people coming out of college don’t know what profession they want.

    These days the 30 year old is competing with grad school graduates from not only the us but in many professions the best and brightest from around the world.

    Having a great career at 30 is basically incompatible with being anything other than a workaholic (in the usa at least).

    Consider also that 2 very driven people are going to have very little time and energy for the work it takes to raise a family.

    I’ve seen surveys of what successful men are looking for in a woman. A great or even good career doesnt even make the top 10 (anonymous surveys so they can be honest).

    A very driven career minded person that wants a family at 30 is mainly going to need help. Successful men often put off raising a family until their 40s after they’ve established themselves in a career and no longer need to be a workaholic to keep up. Nature has unfortunately made this a less compelling option for the very driven career minded woman (though there are fertility treatments that can stretch things a bit).

    In every relationship there’s give and take but most of the happily married in their 30s couples with offspring that I’ve seen tend to either specialize (he or she postpones career ambitions and focuses on the home and family while the other focuses on career) or, rarer but it still happens, they both put their career on the back burner.

  18. Steve F

    The interesting thing is at 20 there is only one group which is guys who want to get laid. As that blinding light starts to fade we see texture and shadows in the landscape. Once you get past 40 and you realise that not signing up to reproduction and lifetime partnership is a is a real and positive option, you can really do anything you want.

  19. Anonymous

    he’s handsome, he’s well-dressed…..what the F? So he gay because he handsome, funny and in his 30s? This blog was made up by a angry women out for payback or some young hating dude who thinks he knows the world. Anyway I don’t care what you people think single I am 30 and single I am into someone helps me with a good career since my parent were to pure to help me go to college. No high paying career then no kids for me!

  20. Anonymous

    This is why men should hate American women, their all gay, under cover, male hating Feminist. Their all part of the Feminist group out to destroy man as we no it. The female Feminist group put the page up and half the female Feminist are gay or by out to destroy us. Study on it and read about it, the female hormones beening put in are water?

  21. Anonymous

    I am being “The In-The-Closet Guy” for quite some time now, but that feels OK and don’t think it’s gonna change in the near future.

  22. Anonymous

    Fabulous post, very entertaining. This is the first post I’ve read on your site and I’m hooked, I’ll be looking for the single girl one now… : )

  23. Your sketches are actually great. That they lack precision only adds personality and maintains the satirical tone of your articles. “New lease on life” is just wonderful. Can’t believe you actually scribbled rain.

    I see myself heading towards number 10. Well, GG.

  24. Anonymous

    Actually, you forgot “Already Been Married Once and Has Kids and is Super Angry at His Ex-Wife” Guy. There’s about a billion of them in their 30s. Maybe a billion trillion.

  25. Anonymous

    Of course it makes total sense that a guy who has slept 214 women hates women and women hate him. Oh and those 214 women HAVE to be low self esteem trashy skanks. How else? It all fits perfectly and I detect no jealously or bitterness from the author whatsoever towards women.

  26. Anonymous

    This is a blog that claims to be creeped out by the far right because their racist loons, and yet this post contains more blatant racism than you’ll ever see at a GOP rally. Claiming that the Chinese kill their daughters sounds like the type of lies the Nazis spread about Jews during WWII. The reason why there are so many “missing” girls is in China is due to gender selective abortions and unreported births. We can assume that infanticide does occur in China, because, like murder, it occurs in all countries, but there are very few documented cases of it actually happening. In fact, you’d be hard pressed to find even one concrete example. As an expat living in China, I can also tell you that I’ve met many women from rural China and never heard even the slightest suggestion that infanticide is happening. I can also tell you that if you went up to the parents of a newborn girl in this country and asked them, “So, have you ever thought about drowning her?” that you’d better be able to handle both of them in a fight afterwards.

  27. Anonymous

    You forgot the guy who has been with the same girlfriend for 10+ years and still hasn’t married her, partly out of fear, but partly because he still clings to the sliver of a chance that one day he’ll be single again and make up for all that lost time by sleeping with dozens of women. The grass is always greener, isn’t it?

  28. Anonymous

    Great Article, Now I know why i still don’t have a girlfriend at 32. It’s because I’m looking for the perfect girl that will be worthy of my (nevermind for the sake of being humble)

    I’m a Total Package guy, they say I’m handsome (resemblance with Tom Cruise), Graduated at a prestigious school. I excel at different sports, I love playing musical instruments particularly guitar, I can sing, I lift weights to maintain my body. love reading books and loves admiring beautiful hot and sexy women. (I mean the really beautiful). despite the accepted notion that whats inside is the more important thing, I still value outward looks and beauty before personality, If a girl doesn’t interest me at first glance or within 3 seconds, I don’t wanna pursue it anymore.

    Before you judge me as an egotist or shallow, better think first, Do you know that MOST men particularly those on the Top Tier is naturally attracted to beautiful women. Nothing personal to those that are not too lovely, its just We admire beauty and aesthetics. So peace, make love not war, just voice my opinion. I’ve bookmarked this page and hoping some uber hottie would read this. Thanks.

    - Top Tier -

    • Anonymous

      Your grammar is ALMOST as bad as your general understanding of females. Most über hotties could care less about blogs such as these, let alone comprehend them. The few that can/do would have only enough interest in your totally generic, fictitious list of virtues to make sure they covered all your “highlights” in the process of deconstructing your over-inflated ego. Consider yourself forgotten. As a sign of goodwill, I will offer you this advice: stick to posting pathetic selfies on Facebook and hoping you do get a hit from an über hottie. Youre certainly not going to attract one using this medium.

      -Uninterested Hottie-

  29. Anonymous

    Bullshiiiiiiiit written by a woman who does not fully comprehend men or cocks nice try though. You know the writer is a female because most of this happens at 21 when the cock outgrows every vag but the long term lover. These two thumbs are not impressed by this blog it is written by a woman without a man about men the cartoons were very very nice though etc.etc.etc. arm baby wang with good oxygen flow when im not a woaround huffining heifers and hatters that dont like sloppy seconds (hams)

  30. Anonymous

    I like your post. I think 30-year-old guys are the matured men so they are successful in life. The way they look at things are more matured than younger men. Most single women like men who are older than 30 years old.

  31. Josh

    I’d have to say I am number a number 10. I have a great job as a electrical engineer in Alaska, making well over six figures working in the oil industry. So I have the money to support a wife. I own a brand new house and two cars. I am also an avid gym-goer, I work out all the time and keep a very fit body. I’m also a nice person, not a social butterfly but I’m very respectful and easy to get along with. I’m actually a bit on the shy side, but I am very out going when I get to know someone.

    My only thing, I just absolutely refuse to give into the female-american expectations. How come an attractive girl has never approached me? They always EXPECT me to make the first move. I always feel like when I approach a girl, I am putting her up on a pedestal where she is looking down on me, deciding if I am worthy of her. She works at Star-Bucks for a living and she is deciding if I am worthy of her?! What exactly does she have that entitles her to stand atop a pedestal and pick and choose who is worthy of her?

    I’ve pretty much given up on American women. They are even worse in Alaska because he have an abundance of high earning males here and less females. Even the chubby ones single mothers, with no life skills whatsoever expect a man to approach them and court them.

  32. Anonymous

    What is up with the Single Chinese Guy part? That’s totally racist and unacceptable, and I’m not even a Chinese guy. It’s not cool to be ignorant.

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  34. Anonymous

    NGWJHMTRGYAHRWPWSLAHWTPE represent!
    (ok, i’ve still got 5 years to go)
    I’ve also had people claim (ask) that I was asexual (not sure what I am doing wrong there?)

  35. Tim

    Well written. I thought you covered all the scenarios. 42 unmarried male here. Will your next installment cover that age bracket? Lol.

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