What’s The Best Joke You Know?

DT24 - Jokes PLast week, things got pretty real. Let’s shake it off with an inane topic.

Every once in awhile, someone tells you a really good joke. And you’re like, “Shit I gotta remember that” and then you don’t remember. I’ve heard a good joke about 90 times and I can’t recall any of them right now. So if you’re one of those people that has a good joke, tell it here.

Upvote the jokes you like most.

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  • Holly Brockwell

    Best REM joke ever:

    What’s the frequency, Kenneth?
    Everybody Hz.

  • Jo Wilson

    Two cows in a field.

    One cow says to the other ‘you heard about this mad cow disease?’
    The second cow says ‘it doesnt affect me, im a helicopter ‘

    Best. Joke. Ever. 😀

  • Brendan

    What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Tri Tip.
    What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean Beef.
    What do you call a cow with 1 leg? Stake.
    What do you call a cow with 0 legs? Ground Beef

    • FuzzyBunnyFeet

      Similar:
      What do you call a woman with a wooden leg? Peg
      What do you call a woman with only one leg? Eileen
      What do you call a Japanese woman with one leg? Irene
      What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs? Consuelo

  • bob

    3 cows walk into a bar

    • me again

      Was the bar high or low, did any break a leg?

  • Martin Nick Smolík

    An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are each tasked to use one can of red paint to paint a room.
    After a while, an inspection visits them.

    When they come to the engineer’s room, they see one wall painted, the can empty and the engineer says: “The resources provided proved insufficient”.
    When they come to the physicist’s room, they see the room white, the physicist sits next to a closed can of paint and says: “I calculated it, and it can’t be enough”
    When they come to the mathematician’s room, everywhere they look is red, the can is open, but full. They ask, how did he manage that, to which he replied: “I painted only the rational points”

  • Paul H

    A kid threw some cheddar cheese at me the other day…

    I thought that’s not very mature!

    • Jonathan

      I’d brie pretty upset too.

      • Richard Kenneth Niescior

        Gouda jokes!

        • Vinay Kapadia

          Cheesus Christ…

          • me again

            Limburger……..

  • jonathan

    What do you do when you can’t open your xylophone?

    Call the glocksmith.

  • Blake Edward Hershey

    They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing but really mean your mother…

    Also, Neil Armstrong use to tell unfunny jokes about the moon and follow it with “ehh I guess you had to be there”

  • David Kooi

    Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

    Fo Drizzle.

  • Jacob Nestle

    Guy #1: Why couldn’t you hear the pterosaur go to the bathroom?
    Guy #2: *sigh* Because the ‘p’ is silent.
    Guy #1: No. It’s extinct.
    Guy #2: Screw you.

  • jonathan

    I was reading Einsteins Theory of Relativity and My friend said “That’s some heavy reading” and I said “It’s all relative.”

  • Hanna

    why did the bike fall over? Because it was TIRED. It wAS TirED
    …yeah I use that joke too much. People walk away from me often.

    • C

      Another variation…

      …because it was Too tired

    • ME

      And here we set and can’t get away……;D

  • Mike Kraft

    How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

    Ten. Ten tickles. (tentacles)

    • Hanna

      I think I love you

  • SaraNoH

    Sandy arrived in heaven and was greeted by St. Peter. Peter said, “There’s just one rule here; don’t kick the ducks.”
    Sandy looked down and noticed she and the other new arrivals were standing in a sea of ducks. Peter left and shortly after, another woman took a step and accidentally kicked a duck. As she looked around worriedly, Peter came walking back with a hideous-looking man and shackled him to the her.
    The next day Sandy saw the same thing happen. Another lady kicked a duck and was immediately shackled to an ugly man. So Sandy waded around heaven for days, vigilant, never so much as swiping a duck.
    One glorious day, Peter came walking to Sandy with a gorgeous man. Sandy’s eyes got wide with joy as she inspected the man’s perfect body and handsome face. Peter shackled them together and walked away.
    “What did I do to deserve you?!” Sandy exclaimed.

    “I don’t know what YOU did,” the man answered glumly, “but I kicked a duck.”

  • jonathan

    A mathematician wanted lots of Ice Cream so he asked for z2=Ax2+By2

  • Rolfyto

    What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

    I wouldn’t pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.

    • Carl K

      We posted basically the same joke at the same time. Yours has a British flavor to it. Props.

  • Carl K

    What is the difference between a Chick Pea and a Garbanzo Bean?

    You’ve never had a Garbanzo Bean on your face.

  • Truliner

    Two men were out deer hunting. Suddenly one of them goes unconscious and collapses to the ground. Immediately the other guy calls the emergency number and tells the operator: “My friend just died! What should I do?”.

    With a calm voice, the operator tells the man: “Don’t panic, I will help you. First, make sure that he really is dead.”

    There’s a moment of silence on the line, after which a gunshot can be heard.

    The man returns to the phone. “Done. What now?”

  • Geldarion

    Two guys walk into a bar for chemists. The first one says, “I’ll some H2O.” The second man says, “I’ll have some H2O too.” The second man later died.

  • I tried telling this once. It took over 20 minutes. Not typing it; here’s a link:
    http://i.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1fcjkl/the_longest_joke_in_the_world_lost_in_the_desert/ (I loved it. The listener – not so much.)

    • Adam

      I started out wondering if I’d be able to make it through even half of the joke, but the story was so good that the joke itself didn’t matter too much.

      Still, that punchline is absolutely incredible – thank you for sharing it.

      • Jebmak

        While I didn’t care for the joke part, I really enjoyed the story.

  • callkiller

    why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fun guy!!!!

  • Evan

    What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?

    Tennish.

  • Allussante

    In a scale from zero to ten, how much racist was hitler ?

    NEIN !

  • Aaron Pape

    This guy has been stranded on an uncharted island for 3 years all alone. One day while sitting on the beach he thinks he sees a ship sinking off in the distance. About 30 minutes later a female body washes up on shore. He runs over to her, flips her over and is astonished to find that it’s a barely-alive Megan Fox. After some mouth-to-mouth and CPR she finally spits out seawater and takes a deep breath. With a gleam in her eye she looks up at her hero and says, “You saved my life, is there anything I can do to repay you.” Bashfully, he replies, “Well Ms Fox, I’ve been stranded here for 3 years all alone. I could really use some adult companionship, if you know what I mean.” Knowing just what he means, she smiles, kisses him and they have a good romp right there on the beach.

    The next day they are walking hand-in-hand by the shore. Megan looks over at her man and says, “You know I just don’t think I’ve repaid you enough for saving my life. Is there anything else at all I can do for you? I’ll do anything!” The man thinks for a minute, smiles and says, “Actually yes. Tonight at the fire I want you to wear one of my shirts, draw a mustache over your lip with charcoal and then I’ll tell you what to do after that.” Very puzzled and more than a little freaked-out she shyly says, “Um ok, whatever you’re into, dear, since you did save me after all.”

    That night by the fire she does as told and puts on the man’s shirt, makes a mustache over her lip, then looks wearily over at him with a “um, what now?” expression on her face. The man looks eagerly over at “him”, says, “now come over here.” She does. He puts his arm around “him” and says…

    “Dude, you are never going to guess who I fucked yesterday!”

  • Gwen Lagaly

    Why was Tigger looking in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh….. still makes me laugh!

  • Eric

    How do you think the unthinkable?

    With an itheberg.

  • Luella

    What did one tampon say to the other?
    Nothing, they were both stuck up c$#ts.

  • Nikola

    What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
    An irrelephant.

    • callkiller

      i laughed way too much at this….

  • Sean Molnar

    René Descartes walks into a bar and orders a beer. The
    bartender asks…do you want any peanuts or chips?…Rene responds “I think not” and immediately pops out of existence.

    • Simplersimon

      First time I heard this, it was delivered so deadpan in he middle of an ethics lesson the only three of us in a class of forty-some caught the joke.

  • jonathan

    Reverse Yo-mama jokes:

    Yo mama so classy she sits on the nose of the plane!

    Yo mama so attractive her nick name is “Nuclear Force”!

    Yo mama so smart Google asks her questions!

    Yo mama so educated they started using numbers after her name!

  • lldemats

    “Doctor, doctor!!! You’re writing that prescription with a rectal-thermometer!”

    “Goddam it. Some asshole has my pen”

  • Daniel Lim

    I bought the worst Thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

    (originally from Reddit)

  • Innocent Bystander

    Old guy goes to the doctor.
    Doctor says “you got cancer and Alzheimer’s”.
    “Well at least I don’t have cancer.”

    (Credit – Jackie “the Jokeman” Martling)

  • Rob

    What do you do when your nose goes on strike? You picket.

  • Aaron Pape

    Two statues, male and female, have been facing each other for centuries. An angel, feeling bad for these would-be lovers, comes down from heaven, brings them to life and says, “I can only give you 30 minutes of life, use it wisely.” The living statues look at each other with excitement and jump behind the bushes. The angel blushes but smirks a bit as the bushes rustle violently. 15 minutes later the statues come out flushed and elated. “That was the best ever!” they cry. “Guys, you still have 15 minutes,” says the angel. The male statue looks at the female statue and says, “Okay, this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I’LL crap on its head!”

    • jaime_arg

      I really didn’t see that coming. I think we’ve got a winner.

      • Aaron Pape

        Thanks!

  • Martina N.

    Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

    One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

  • kimohno

    “What’s the hardest part about Rollerblading?

    .. Telling your Dad that you’re gay. ”

    No homophobic here, i just think its hilarious 😀

  • Blrp

    And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster.

    • Rusty Shackleford

      i lol’d, and it’s rare for me to like puns.

  • JT

    What did one tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing… They were both stuck up bitches.

    • CJK5H

      this one also works pretty well with the c-word…

  • Mike Grounds

    Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases?

    They’re making head lines

  • She Ain’t Write

    A giraffe walks into a bar and says “the highballs are on me.”

  • OT Kalafong

    Three Mexican amigos in a gang are sentenced to jail for life. They are all sentenced together and stay in the same cell for years on end. One of their favourite past-times is to tell eachother jokes. Over the years, after telling eachother the same jokes over and over (and never hearing any new jokes), they decide to number the jokes 1 to 10 so that they don’t have to tell the whole joke every time.
    One day, one of them says “Hey guys, you know what is a good joke? … Number 7!”. They all pack up laughing, bellies aching with laughter.
    The second guy says “Hey, you know that’s a good one! But you know which joke is even BETTER? … Number 3!!”. They all double-over in laughter, slapping their knees and crying.
    Eventually the third guy pipes up “That one is a great one amigo but you know which is the BEST joke of them all?…….. Number 5!!!” The other two guys don’t laugh at all, not even a giggle.
    The third guy says confused “Guys!! How are you not laughing?! Number 5 is the best!”
    And his friend replies “I dunno man… maybe its the way you told it.

    • Paul

      This one is better when they are loonies in an insane asylum and a woman walks in…
      “#5”
      “Hey man not in front of the lady!”

    • The_Postindustrialist

      Two guys absolutely love telling each other jokes, but they’ve told them to each other so often that they both knew the jokes by heart and started referring to them by numbers, 1-10.

      A third guy came by and heard then chuckling and calling out numbers. Perplexed by this, he interjected, “13!”
      And I can’t remember the rest, but it ended with them laughing their asses off and saying it was the best joke they had ever heard..

      (the point to the joke being that thirteen was outside of the number set, so it was a “new” joke. as something new, they laughed the most)

  • treeops

    Whats brown and rhymes with snoop?

    Dr Dre

  • Lesa Atherton Pinker

    Two boll weevil brothers grew up together on a farm. When they became adults, one decided to go to Hollywood and he became a famous actor. The other one just stayed on the farm and didn’t amount to much. I guess you could say he was the lesser of two weevils.

  • Gorgon

    Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

    Because he was dead.

  • Jack

    In a hospital, a male patient comes running out of his room holding his groin. He is followed by a nurse chasing him with a steaming bed pan. The head nurse observing this yells down the hall, “Dammit, can’t you get anything straight? I told you to prick his boil!” (My mom’s favorite joke)

  • Why did the baker have dirty hands?
    Because he kneaded a poo.

  • Russell Scott Wollman

    I have more but this surfaced immediately.

  • Adam

    What’s the difference between peanut butter and jam?

    I can’t peanut butter my dick up your ass.

  • Jake

    I’m on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it.

    But only if it’s fish.

  • OT Kalafong

    The best joke I have ever heard:
    Disclaimer: Offensive to learners with special needs. Also, only funny when told; not read.

    So there is a special education class and the teacher decides that today she is going to teach the boys and girls musical instruments! So she packs a whole bunch of different musical instruments into a bag and heads off to class.
    The teacher walks in and announces, “Okay class – today we’re going to learn about musical instruments!”. The whole class cheers – but clapping is a difficult coordination task *gesture hands missing each other trying to clap* , so the special ed class claps like this *gesture hands ‘clapping’ shoulders*. And so they all cheer “YAAAY!”
    So first the teacher pulls out *start gesturing playing a guitar”, a… um… a guitar and she plays and plays and then says “Okay class – does anyone know what this instrument is?” Suzie immediately puts up her hand, very excited and says “Mith mith! Is a guitah mith!”. “Ah yes Suzie it IS a guitar”. The whole class claps for Suzie *gesture shoulder clapping* “YAAAY Suzie!!”.
    Then the teacher pulls out *start gesturing playing a keyboard*, a…um…a keyboard. And she plays and plays and then says “Okay class – does anyone know what this instrument is?”. Timmy’s hand shoots up “MITH! MITH! Ith a keyboard mith!”. “Yes Timmy! It IS a keyboard!”. And the class cheers for Timmy *gesture shoulder clapping* “YAAAY TIMMY!”.
    Then the teacher pulls out *start gesturing a violin* a…a…uh…um a… (At this point the person you are telling the joke to will probably try help and say “a violin”). Then you cheer *gesture shoulder clapping* “YAAAY [say person’s name]!!”

    Even funnier if a lot of people are in the room and are in on the joke and all chime in with you for the punchline 🙂

  • helen thompson

    What does an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac wake up and say in the middle of the night?
    Is there a God.

    I know its old but I still love it!

    • Russell Scott Wollman

      Boy, did you spoil that one! Even THAT’s funny!

    • Jack

      Or perhaps, “Is there a Dog.”??

  • helen thompson

    Whoops loser on the keyboard

    should have been Is the a DOG

  • Glenn Carleton

    What did the students in science class decide when they could not understand the teacher’s explanation of gravity?

    That is does not exist, that the world just sucks…

  • Tim

    These are in ascending order of offensiveness:
    1. An older observant Jewish man, Murray, walks into the confession booth at the St. John the Divine’s. The priest says, “What do you have to confess?” “Well, Father,” he says with a thick stereotype of an accent, “I’ve been married to my wife for 60 years and today was my 84th birthday. I just shtupped an 18 y.o. girl who lives in the next building.” Priest says, “My child, forgive me, but aren’t you Jewish; why are you telling ME this?” “You? I’m telling everybody!”
    2. Guy goes to the doctor, doctor walks in looking over the guys chart, glances up and says, “Look, I don’t know how to tell you this, but you’ve got to stop masturbating.” Guy, shocked, says, “What?!! Why?” Doctor says, “So I can examine you.”
    3. What’s the leading cause of pedophila? Sexy kids.
    4. What do nine out of ten people enjoy? Gang rape.

    • Rusty Shackleford

      Upvoted just for the second. Others could be rewritten much more cleverly.

  • Melisa

    How do you know when you’re dealing with a nosy pepper?

    When it gets jalapeño business.

    • Tipsy

      ? ?

      • Iris Stephen

        jalapeno = (ch)all up in yo’

  • Random Acts

    A man and women are riding in an elevator. The man asks “Can I smell your pussy?”
    She replies, “You most certainly cannot!”
    After another deep breath he says
    “Well it must be your feet.”

  • Russell Scott Wollman

    The Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a
    huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he’d have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they’d have to convert or leave.

    The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a ‘silent’ debate. On the chosen day the Pope and Rabbi sat opposite each other.

    The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

    The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

    Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

    The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

    The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

    The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

    With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy. Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

    The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. The Rabbi responded by holding up a
    God common to both our beliefs. Then I waved my finger around my head to show
    him that God was all around us. The Rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins, and the Rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not
    continue.”

    Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he’d won.

    “I haven’t a clue,” said the Rabbi. “First, the Pope told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.”

    “And then what?” asked a woman.

    “Who knows?” said the Rabbi. “He took out his lunch so I took out mine.”

    • Zach

      That was wonderful

    • Jack Torres

      …hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Russell Scott Wollman

      This is typical of much Jewish humor: simple, earthy, direct.

    • Artyom Karapetov

      Good one.

    • Rusty Shackleford

      The pope’s explanation pretty much sounds like the old testament vs the new testament.

  • Simon Bækkegaard

    I used to be addicted to soap…
    Now i’m clean

  • ironwolfsara

    William Shakespeare and Francis Bacon die at the same time and go to heaven. When they get to the pearly gates, God is there awaiting their arrival.

    “William Shakespeare! Francis Bacon! What an honor it is to have you!”

    Shakespeare and Bacon graciously acknowledge God’s welcoming praise with a nod.

    Then God says, “I’ve got a problem though.. I only have room in heaven for one more writer.”

    Shakespeare and Bacon look at each other in disbelief.

    “What do you mean you only have room for one more writer?!” Bacon exclaims.

    God holds up his hands and says, “Okay, okay, here’s what we’ll do: You have five minutes to write a poem for me, using the word Timbuktu. Whoever writes the best poem will get to stay in heaven.”

    They agree that this would be fair, each of them claiming that they would of course win the contest.

    God returns five minutes later, and says, “Ok boys, time’s up.” The writers look at God with confidence that they have written the best poem.

    “Bacon,” God motions to him, “let’s hear what you wrote.”

    Bacon begins,
    “While traveling in a foreign land,
    I passed a caravan o’er Sahara sands.
    Camels gliding two by two,
    Toward the land of Timbuktu.”

    God is floored, and says, “Francis Bacon, that was beautiful! I could picture everything so vividly; I could see the oasis in the distance, I could feel the heat of the desert! Well, Shakespeare, how do you think you can compete with that?”

    “Of course I can, I’m William Shakespeare!” he confidently boasts. He begins:

    “Tim and I a-bucking went,
    We passed some maidens in a tent.
    Well they were three,
    And we were two,
    So I bucked one,
    And Timbuktu!”

    • chendaddy

      I think the most impressive part of this joke was that someone had to write two good poems rhyming Timbuktu.

  • Russell Scott Wollman

    May God in heaven and WBW readers kindly forgive me all these posts. I have too many favorite jokes.

    This is the little-known tale of how God came
    to give the Jews the Ten Commandments. God first went to the Egyptians and
    asked them if they would like a commandment.

    “What’s a commandment?” they asked.

    “Well, it’s like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY,” replied God.

    The Egyptians thought about it and then said, “No way. That would ruin our weekends.”

    So then God went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment.

    They also asked, “What’s a commandment?”

    “Well,” said God, “it’s like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL.”

    The Assyrians immediately replied, “No way. That would ruin our economy.”

    So finally God went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment.

    They asked, “How much?”

    God said, “They’re free.” The Jews said, “Great! We’ll take TEN!”

  • Ben

    A group of friars moved into town and opened up a florist shop. Things were going very well as they could charge less than everyone else becuase they didn’t need much to live on.
    Well their success was causing trouble for the only other florist shop, a family run business, in town. The owners of this shop went to see the friars to ask them to either close their shop or to raise their prices. The friars could not understand this request and refused to do either.
    So the father of this family sent his son Hugh over to speak to the friars one last time.
    Well this seemed to work, as the friars closed up shop the next day.
    Do you know what the moral of the story is?
    Hugh, and only Hugh, can stop florist friars.

    • I’ve heard a variation of this joke that goes like this:

      A bunch of clergymen had started selling flowers outside the Playboy mansion. After several attempts by the bunnies to try to politely send them away, finally Mr. Hefner had to tell them to leave himself. It just goes to show — only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.

    • Guest

      Three pieces of string have finished a hard days work and decide to unwind at a local pub. One piece of string heads over to the bar and orders a round. The bartender looks down at him and tells him he won’t serve string in his bar. After telling his mates one of the other pieces of string decides to give it a try, feels he can be more persausive, less of a pushover. Alas, he too, is turned down. The third piece of string, shaking his head with friendly pity tells his two buddies to “watch and learn”. He then goes into the washroom, ties himself into knots and frays his ends. He saunters over to the bar and says, “hey there barkeep, can I get a round of brewskies for me and my buds?”, the bartender peers down at him and says, “ain’t you a piece of string?”…”no, im a ‘fraid not.”

  • Russell Scott Wollman

    President Bush is representing the United States of America on a highly formal, impeccably planned state visit to England. At Heathrow, a300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and Mr. Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

    They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent matching white horses. As they ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well. But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach.

    Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident but then the Queen decides that’s ridiculous. She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, “Mr. President, please accept my regrets…I’m sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control”.

    George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, “Your Majesty, please don’t give the matter another thought…you know, if you hadn’t said something I would have thought it was one of the horses.”

    • Rusty Shackleford

      haha, this sounds like an American joke, but is it?

  • Steve Swinnea

    An 87-year old man, on his death bed and in pain, smells the aroma
    of fresh baked chocolate chip cookies coming from outside his bedroom.
    He thinks to himself, “my dear wife must be making my favorite cookies
    as a sentiment to our final hours together.” So he musters up what little
    strength he has remaining in his feeble body and drags himself out of bed.

    Fighting off the pain and weakness, he stumbles into the hallway,
    down the stairs, and to the kitchen door. There, on the table, he sees
    a huge plate of chocolate chip cookies, the steam rising from the plate,
    the chocolate chips still soft and gooey. He thinks, “God bless my devoted
    wife for giving me such pleasure in my final hours on this earth”, and
    he then falls to the floor and crawls towards the cookies.

    He gets to the table and, with the last ounce of strength he has
    left, reaches up with his hand to take a cookie. Just then, he feels the
    stinging Whack! of a metal spatula against his knuckles.
    He looks up to see his wife standing over him, saying “Don’t you
    dare touch those cookies, they’re for the funeral guests!”

    • Artyom Karapetov

      This is beyond cruel lol

  • Drew66

    Two peanuts were walking down the street and one was assaulted.

    Also:

    Man walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but cellophane. Doctor says “Well, I can see you’re nuts.”

  • Rachel Shah

    A childhood favourite: “What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?” Swimming Trunks!

  • Brian

    What’s the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? Neil Armstrong walks on the moon, and Michael Jackson has sex with little boys.

  • A man walks into a bar and there’s a horse in the corner. The man walks up to the bartender and says, “What’s the deal with the horse?” and the bartender tells him, “If you can make him laugh, your drinks are on the house.” So the guy says, “I’ll give it a try.” He walks over to the horse and says something the bartender can’t hear, and the horse starts neighing with uncontrollable laughter. The man walks back to the bar to get his free drink and the bartender says, “What on Earth did you say to him?” and the man just smiles.

    Next week, the man walks back into the bar and the horse is still there. This time the bartender says, “If you an make him cry, your drinks are on the house.” So the guy says, “No problem.” He walks over to the horse and does something the bartender can’t see, and the horse drops to the floor and starts to sob. The man comes back to the bar and the bartender says, “I’ve got to know, what are you saying to this horse?” So the man says, “You know how last week you told me to make him laugh? Well, I told him my dick was bigger than his.” And the bartender says, “So what did you do to make him cry?” And the man downs his shot, looks at the bartender, and says, “I proved it.”

    • Linda Russ

      I laughed out loud

  • Jim B. Johnson

    A man is sitting at a bar, completely in the bag. As he fumbles to pay his tab, he promptly vomits down the front of front of himself.

    “Oh craaaap,” he says. “I promised my wife that I had quit drinking. Now she’ll know I lied. She’s going to leave me!,” he wails.

    “Hey pal, don’t worry. I’ve got an idea,” says the bartender. “You take a twenty dollar bill, you stick it in your shirt pocket. When your wife asks you what happened, you tell her that a drunkard on the subway threw up on you and he felt so bad, he gave you a $20 to clean your shirt.”

    “That’s brilliant!,” the man exclaimed! Thanking him profusely for saving his marriage, he set off for home.

    When he arrived, his wife was waiting for him at the door. “Look at you!,” she screamed. “You’re stinking drunk again. And, good god, you’ve thrown up all over yourself! I’ve had enough, we are DONE.”

    “No, no, no, it’s not like that,” he replied. “There was this bum on the subway… I was on my way home and he threw up all over me. He felt so bad, he gave me $20 to clean my shirt. Look!” He pulled something out of his shirt pocket and handed it to her.

    “But there is forty dollars here,” she said, confused.

    “Ah, yes,” he replied. “The other $20 is from the guy who shit in my pants.”

    • Linda Russ

      Yup! That is gooood

  • OT Kalafong

    A man walks into a bar with his pet giraffe and orders two beers; one for him and one for his pet giraffe. The giraffe struggles to drink his beer though because his legs are too long, so the bartender gives him a straw. So they drink and drink, but the giraffe gets far more drunk because he has been drinking through a straw. Eventually, the man says “Right! We’re going home!”. Both get up but the giraffe immediately falls to the floor wasted, while the man stumbles to the door. The barman exclaims “Hey! You can’t leave that lying over there”, to which the man replies “That’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe!’

    • Rusty Shackleford

      *lyin’

  • Russell Scott Wollman

    It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”

    “It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,” the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

    A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Is it going to be a very cold winter?”

    “Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s definitely going to be a very cold winter.” The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”

    “Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s going to be one of the coldest winters ever.”

    “How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked.

    The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting wood like crazy.”

    • Linda Russ

      Love it!

  • SiliconScribe

    For Tim and his monkey:
    In a run down farm house in the middle of no where three boys surround their dying father. The old man looks up at the boys and says “Boys, you’ll lose the farm soon if you don’t raise some money. Take our prize pig and fatten him up good now. Then take him to the county fair, come spring take the pig and win that gold ribbon and cash award.” With that the old man slips away.

    The boys begin the work of feeding the pig and taking care of the farm as best they can. But try as they might they can’t seem to get that pig any fatter or bigger. Then one day, the eldest comes up with an idea. “I think we need’a stuff a cork in backside of that ol’pig!” The other boys agree. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Their plan works like a charm. The pig gets HUGE and come spring they take the poor miserable porker to the fair and win first price and the cash award.

    They boys are thrilled and save the farm. But they also feel bad. The pig is in pain and miserable. So they agree they need to pull the cork. But none of them want to do it. They try to force the youngest boy but he’s having none of it. Finally they agree to buy a monkey and train it to pull out a cork from a wine barrel every time they ring a bell. After a few weeks of training they put the monkey behind the pig and ring the bell.

    A hurricane like force of shit explodes out of the pig! The power is overwhelming and sends the boys flying backward and into the air like they were caught in the biggest twister of their lives. It’s unimaginable.

    Hours later the boys wake up in the hospital. The doctor standing over them. He looks down at them and asked the two eldest boys. “What happened? Do you remember?” The two boys look at each other shake their heads unable to recall horror. The doctors looks at the youngest and says “What you remember son?” The boy looks up at him and says “I just remember the monkey trying to put the cork back.”

  • DeeDee Massey

    [Spoken in a salty sea captain voice]

    1: “What’s a pirate’s favorite letter of the alphabet?”
    2: “R!” (Aaarrrrrr!)
    1: “No, the C!!!” (sea)

    • Jenna

      Came here to say this….except obviously a pirate’s favorite letter is “P”, as it’s an aRrrrr with it’s leg cut off!

  • Harrison Springfield

    So a little kid goes as a pirate on Halloween. He goes up to a house, and the lady says, “Oh how cute! What are you supposed to be?” The kid says, “I’m a piwate!” and the lady gives him some candy. He goes to the next house and the lady says, “Oh y goodness, who are you?” The kid says, “I’m a piwate!” and the lady gives him some candy. He goes to the next house and the lady says, “Oh how scary! What are you?” The little kid says, “I’m a piwate!” The lady says, “Well, if you’re a pirate, where are your buccaneers?” The kid points to the sides of his head and says “Wight hewe! Where are your buckin’ eyes?” #rimshot

    • Rusty Shackleford

      in the version i heard, the kid says, “under my buckin’ hat!”

  • Harrison Springfield

    A skeleton walks in to a bar. He orders a beer and a mop.

  • Margling53

    Where are the lawyer jokes? My favorite genre. Hear about the terrorist who hi-jacked a 747 with 120 lawyers on board? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren’t met.

    • Russell Scott Wollman

      Lawyer joke just north of you, Margling53.

    • Jerry Bradbury

      Q:What’s the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
      A:One’s a scum sucking bottom feeder. The other’s a fish.

  • Russell Scott Wollman

    An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to
    redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.

    One day God called to Satan to mock him, “So, how’s it going down there in Hell?”

    Satan replied, “Hey, things are great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

    God was surprised, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here.”

    “No way,” replied Satan. “I like having an engineer, and I’m keeping him.”

    God threatened, “Send him back up here now or I’ll sue!”

    Satan laughed and answered, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

  • Alex

    Credit to Steve:
    There are three men flying through some turbulence in an airplane: a silversmith, a goldsmith, and a traveling appliance salesman. The pilot tells them, “We’re losing altitude and I don’t like the looks of those mountains up there. We’re miles from any airport and the wind near the peaks could smash our plane into the woods down below. You need to throw out some weight.”

    The silversmith says, “You know, I have a lot of valuable stock up here, but given the choice between my merchandise and my life, I’d rather live to see another day.” With that, he throws a shelving unit full of valuable silver jewelry off the plane.

    The goldsmith agrees, adding, “I’m losing a lot of money doing this given the high price of gold, but if I can’t make this sacrifice, I’ll never see my family again.” He, too, hauls many pounds of pure gold overboard, lightening the load on the small airplane.

    The traveling appliance salesman thinks like the other two. He says, “You guys have both made tremendous sacrifices. I’ll make a sacrifice too.” With that, he throws a refrigerator overboard.

  • Alex

    Credit to Steve:

    A man decides to take his girlfriend hiking in the mountains. They climb
    all the way to the top of a mountain overlooking the beautiful forest
    landscape below, with meandering animals drinking the water from a
    stream that winds its way through the woods. A lark cries in the
    distance.

    With this as his backdrop, the man decides the time is
    right. He pulls a box out of his pocket, gets down on one knee, and
    says, “Darling, my sweetness, my all, I’ve gotten to know you over the
    past two years, and I’ve realized that I’ve never been as happy as I am
    with you. Will you spend the rest of your life with me?”

    The
    woman, with tears in her eyes, slowly reaches down to the ring. She
    picks it up, examines it, and sees how it would look on her finger.
    Then, without hesitation, she looks the man in the eye and throws the
    ring as far as she can into the wilderness below.

    The man is
    obviously outraged. “How could you do that?!” he asks. She silences him,
    then says, “If you can find that ring, then I’ll know that you’re
    really dedicated to me, and then we can get married.”

    The man begins looking at once.

    Three
    weeks later, he starts to lose hope. He’s muddy, sweaty, and tired. He
    kneels by the river to wash his face, and something catches his eye –
    it’s a ring, lying nearby on a rock! He runs up the mountain, barely
    pausing to steady his breathing, and announces loudly for the woods to
    hear, “Honey, I’ve found the ring! We can get married now!”

    Then he’s crushed by a falling refrigerator.

    • Jack Torres

      …bruh!

    • Vinay Kapadia

      Great Checkov joke! But the problem is, the comments are backwards. Didn’t really get this until I read the next one. Will definitely have to use this one though.

    • Tipsy

      Could you explain that for me please?

  • Russell Scott Wollman

    A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: ‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’

    “Can you read this?” the optician asked.

    “Read it?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the guy.”

  • Russell Scott Wollman

    Mother Teresa went to heaven, of course. What you didn’t know was this:

    God greets her at the Pearly Gates. “Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?” saith God. “I could eat,” Mother Teresa replies. So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it.

    While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries and wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remains quiet. The next day God again invites her to join him for a meal. Again, it is tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa can see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates. Still she says nothing.

    The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened. She can’t contain herself any longer. Meekly, she says: “God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don’t understand…”

    God sighs.

    “Let’s be honest,” he says. “For just two people, does it pay to cook?”

    • Mike

      If you knew what Mother Teresa really was, the joke would end with God saying: “You’re in hell, not heaven. The people you down there see were all sinners but they never reveled in suffering the way you did”

      • Tipsy

        Good one.

  • Russell Scott Wollman

    We should get the whole world laughing so there’s no more time for dastardly deeds 😉

  • kelly

    Three pieces of string have finished a hard days work and decide to unwind at a local pub. One piece of string heads over to the bar and orders a round. The bartender looks down at him and tells him he won’t serve string in his bar. After telling his mates one of the other pieces of string decides to give it a try, feels he can be more persausive, less of a pushover. Alas, he too, is turned down. The third piece of string, shaking his head with friendly pity tells his two buddies to “watch and learn”. He then goes into the washroom, ties himself into knots and frays his ends. He saunters over to the bar and says, “hey there barkeep, can I get a round of brewskies for me and my buds?”, the bartender peers down at him and says, “ain’t you a piece of string?”…”no, im a ‘fraid not.”

    • Veronica

      I love this joke, I’ve used it so many times 😛

  • Russell Scott Wollman

    Before I retire for this night:

    A Texan is visiting Israel and feeling thirsty, he stops at a house along the road. “Can you give me a drink?” asks the Texan.

    “Of course,” says the Israeli, and he invited the Texan to come in.

    “What do you do?” asks the Texan.

    “I raise chicken” says the Israeli.

    “Really?” says the Texan. “I’m also a farmer. How much land do you have?”

    “Well, out front it’s 50 meters, as you can see, and in the back we have close to 100 meters of property. What about your place?”

    “Well,” says the Texan, “on my ranch, I have breakfast and get into the car, and I drive and drive and I don’t reach the end of the ranch until dinnertime.”

    “Really,” replies the Israeli. “I once had a car like that.”

    • Tipsy

      Do all of your jokes involve the Jews?

      • Russell Scott Wollman

        Only the best ones. It’s my culture and my heritage as well. 😉

  • Kaaraan

    It’s back in the 1800’s and a mine owner is hiring new workers. A German steps up and says, “I can pick gold faster than any man alive.”
    The owner hires him on the spot.

    A Russian wanders up and says, “I can load gold faster than any man alive.”
    The owner can’t believe his good fortune and hires this man too.

    A Chinese man walks up and asks for a job.
    The owner is so elated about hiring the other two men he says, “Well, if these other two men work as
    good as they say I won’t need any more help, but I’ll put you in charge of supplies.”

    The next day the owner goes and checks on his new workers, and sure enough, the German is picking gold at an unbelievable rate.

    The Russian is loading it as fast as the other workers can haul it out.

    He looks around and can’t find the Chinese man anywhere.

    He begins to walk around the mine to find him and just as he rounds a dark corner the Asian jumps out from behind a rock and yells, “SUPPLIES!”

    • Jock

      What are you, 80 years old and retarded from Appalachia?

      • Tbsato

        I would agree that the joke does not warrant an approval but consider the context.

        • Fysak

          Of all the jokes on this page, this is the one you find offensive? LOL.

          • Tbsato

            It is my opinion that any expression that perpetuates a pejorative racial incongruity is of no interest to me. However I think I was clear in regard of defending it by submitting to the context of the forum.
            Also at the time I replied there were far fewer jokes posted of low quality and this one stood out.
            Thank you for your concern.

            • Tipsy

              Guys, if you know what a joke is you’re aware you can laugh at a miscommunication based on the troubles of language.

              Don’t be wankers and think that the person hates asian because he teased the way that R can be hard to pronounce for them.

              Fuck, grow up, offence at this joke is really simple minded. If I said something retarded in Chinese I’d expect them to laugh too.

            • raymond

              Ahhhh, the wonderful world of the PC police……

      • Fysak

        What is wrong with this joke? I think it is just fine.

  • FuzzyBunnyFeet

    I used to be into necrobeastiality.

    I quit cold turkey.

  • The neighborhood milk man is delivering milk to a house. When he walks up to the front door he sees a note asking him to bring the milk to the upstairs bathroom. So he walks in and goes up the stairs to the bathroom to find the lady of the house, naked sitting in the bathtub. She says to the milk man, “I like to bathe in milk, it keeps my skin looking beautiful.” “Alright” says the milk man, “would you like the milk pasteurized?” The lady replies, “No, just right up here past my boobs will be fine.”

    • Tbsato

      She must be the Food Babe.

  • Artyom Karapetov

    Why did Sally fall off the swing?
    She had no arms.

    Knock Knock
    Who’s there?
    Not Sally.

    Bing Bong!
    Who’s there?
    Sally with a stick in her teeth.

    Where was Sally when the bomb went off?
    Everywhere.

  • Q: What did the zen buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?
    A: “Make me one with everything.”

    Favorite joke ever.

    • After the monk paid, he waited for his change– but to no avail.

      Monk: “Where’s my change?”
      Vendor: “Change must come from within.”

    • Simplersimon

      Best telling of this joke.

      https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Iz06Exzp79g

      • Tipsy

        I think Hitchens told this joke best.

    • jaime_arg

      Took a couple of readings to get it.

  • Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth die on the same day and end up together at the pearly gates. Saint Peter reluctantly tells the two that only one of them can pass through to heaven and asks each to tell him why they should be the one. Dolly Parton immediately steps up and says, “these are the biggest, most perfect breasts God has ever created, and it would be an honor to display these before the Lord.” Queen Elizabeth, not to be outdone, steps up, pulls a bottle of Perrier out of her bag, opens it, and starts douching with it frantically. Horrified, Saint Peter asks the queen what she is doing, she replies, “a royal flush beats a nice pair any day.”

    • Gautam K

      HAHAHA …. Hilarious ! 🙂

  • Artyom Karapetov

    Series of jokes about kids and teachers, found it a long time ago on Reddit:

    Children Are Quick
    ————————-

    TEACHER: Why are you late?
    STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
    ____________________________________

    TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
    JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
    ____________________________________
    TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’ GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
    TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
    GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
    (I Love this child)
    ____________________________________
    TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
    DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
    TEACHER: What are you talking about?
    DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
    ____________________________________
    TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
    WINNIE: Me!
    ____________________________________
    TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
    GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
    ____________________________________
    TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘
    MILLIE: I is..
    TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’
    MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
    ____________________________________
    TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
    LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand…..
    ____________________________________
    TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
    SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
    ____________________________________
    TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s.. Did you copy his?
    CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.
    ____________________________________
    TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
    HAROLD: A teacher

  • J.T. Herndon

    Two guys are on a train. One says “Oh my god I’m so embarrassed; I was getting a ticket for a train but the girl selling them was so hot I got distracted. I meant to ask ‘Can I get a ticket to Pittsburg’ but instead I asked ‘Can I get a picket to Titsburg.'” The other guy says “Oh yeah, the same kind of thing happened to me this morning. I was eating breakfast with my wife and I meant to say ‘Honey can you pass the butter’ but instead I said ‘Bitch, you ruined my life!'”

  • Jinna

    Anything off Clickhole.

  • punction

    Any joke from http://badkidsjokes.tumblr.com. The entire site is unadulterated non sequiturs thought up by kids.

  • Patrick Bowman

    A Texan (or an American, or a German, depending on who you want to dump on) is vacationing in a small Spanish town. That evening in the hotel restaurant, the waiter asks for his order. He points to the table nearby. “I’d like what he’s having. It smells amazing.”
    The waiter shrugs. “I’m sorry, senor, that is, how you say, the testicles of the bull. From the afternoon bullfight, and we have only the one bullfight per day. But I can reserve them for you for tomorrow night.”
    “Really? Bull testicles? Oh, what the hell, sure.”
    The next night he comes in and the waiter brings out a magnificent smelling platter. He sets to and devours them. The waiter comes by. “So, senor, how did you enjoy your meal?”
    “They were incredible! Every bit as good as I’d hoped. But … why were they smaller than the ones last night?”
    The waiter shakes his head regretfully. “I’m sorry, senor. You see, sometimes the bull wins.”

  • Lunadia

    This is crude… What’s the square root of 69? …8 something…

    • Tbsato

      I took this picture today while waiting for my Dönor Kebab.

  • dufftownallan

    this one is a bit of a gentle ant-english jibe (i’m scottish) but you can adapt it to pretty much anything.
    god is creating the world with gabriel helping him, he makes spain, france, belguim, netherlands, then gabriel says that next up is scotland.
    god suddenly jumps out of his chair in excitement, “scotland?” he says, “well, scotland, i’ve been looking forward to this! we’re going to give them majestic mountains with the purest water in picturesque lochs and rivers teeming with salmon. the people will mix this water with barley to make the wonderful nectar of whisky. the people will be industrious with a great sense of humour, they will be the source of many inventions and travel the world speaking the great word…”
    at this point gabriel says “whoa whoa whoa god, do you not think you’re being a bit too generous to these scottish people?”
    to which god replies “huh! you should see the neighbours we’re going to give them…”

  • NOTaCATHOLIC

    “I don’t care what the angel told you, Mary; You are STILL in trouble.”

  • notEuropean

    What is the difference between Heaven and Hell?
    In Heaven
    the Policemen are English
    the Car Designers are German
    the Chefs are French
    the Administrators are Swiss
    the Lovers are Italian.

    In Hell,
    the Policemen are German
    the Chefs are English
    the Car Designers are French
    the Administrators are Italian
    the Lovers are Swiss.

    Oh, yea–
    In Heaven,
    the Doctors are American
    In Hell,
    the Health Care System is American

    • Tipsy

      In heaven the car makers are American, seriously have you seen Tesla?

  • notMilitary

    Back when computers were BIG, and run with vacuum tubes, the Army decided
    to build the LARGEST in the world. It took a lot of money, but at last it was ready.
    They had had the best programmers in the world, too.
    The President was there for the first public demonstration of the intelligence of this
    Army project.
    The General said, “Mr. President, please do use the honor of asking the first question.”
    The President said to the computer, “Will there be peace or war?”
    The computer hummed for a time, and then said “Yes.”

    The red-faced General stepped in front of the President, facing the computer, and
    shouted, “Yes, WHAT?”
    The computer hummed for longer and longer, and then said, “Yes, SIR”

  • Tesla Webb

    My favorite pun:
    What did the baby corn say to the mamma corn?
    Where’s Pop corn?

    • Blrp

      What did the dyslexic baby corn say to the mamma corn?
      Where’s cop porn?

  • notTuring

    The computer in the joke below passed the Turing Test.

  • notEither

    A Sadist and a Masochist meet.
    The Masochist says “Hit me, smash me, hurt me.”
    The Sadist says “No”

  • TGA

    How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
    Ask them to pronounce unionised

  • Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

    The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

    He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

    The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

    There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.

    Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”

  • Gabu

    I love this:

  • Crossbow McStabby

    A pirate ship appears on the horizon. The captain says “Men, bring me
    my red shirt!” The first mate fetches the shirt and the captain
    successfully leads an attack on the pirates that sinks their ship.

    One of the sailors asked the captain “Why do you wear a red shirt in
    battle?” The captain responded “because if I am wounded, you will not
    see blood and will continue to fight as if nothing is amiss.” The crew
    was astounded at the bravery of the captain.

    Later, twenty pirate ships appeared on the horizon. The men looked
    to the captain, waiting for the request that brought everyone so much
    strength. The captain looked at the horizon and said, “Men, bring me my
    brown pants!”

    (shamelessly copied from: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Brown+Pants)

    • Vinay Kapadia

      They used this joke in Game of Thrones as well 🙂

  • Bailey

    Why couldn’t the Buddist vacuum the corners?
    He didn’t have any attachments.

  • Jenna Wright Moulton

    Just heard this one today.

    What did the passive aggressive raven say? –nevermind, nevermind.

  • Veronica

    My personal favorite:
    A man from the north is down south for Christmas, and as he’s out walking he sees a house with a nativity scene out front. This would be perfectly normal, except that the three wise men are all wearing firefighter hats. Curious, he knocks on the door of the house and the owner answers. “Why are the wise men wearing firefighter hats?” he says. The owner answers, “Ain’t you read the bible? Says right there the three wise men came from afar!” (said with a think southern accent to make afar sound like ‘a fire’. Admittedly this joke works better in person than in writing).

    One my friend told me yesterday that I’m still giggling about:
    Him: What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
    Me: Arrrghhh.
    Him: No mate, his true love be the C. So what’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
    Me: Arrrghh??
    Him: “Dear internet subscriber, we are writing to alert you to the fact that you have downloaded copyrighted material…”

    The second part of that joke took me an embarrassingly long time to understand.

  • Anneka Pearton

    An Italian and a Greek man are sitting on a bench by the ocean, reminiscing about the achievements of each of their nations, discussing the merits of aqueducts, philosophy, geometry, medicine and so on. Then the Greek man says “well, you have to admit Greeks have contributed the most to be grateful for; we practically invented sex”. The Italian guy is quiet for a moment, then he says “That might be true, but we introduced it to women”.

  • C KARTIK

    Have narrated this several times;don’t recall who told me this one.”Panda walks into a pub,orders food.As soon as he’s done,he draws a pistol and shoots everyone else.A terrified survivor asks him why and the panda throws him a dictionary and asks him to look up the definition of a panda”.
    Dictionary:PAnda….eats shoots and leaves.

    • N00less Cluebie

      You’re missing the key part to this joke! The dictionary editor made a mistake and added in a comma into the panda’s definition:
      “Eats, shoots and leaves”

  • AngelaK

    A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is looking extremely satisfied, and takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg is looking frustrated and pissed off. He takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and pulls the blanket over him and says, “I guess we answered that question!”

    • Rusty Shackleford

      fucking great.

  • martinw

    An Irishman moved into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walked into the pub and promptly ordered three beers. The bartender raised his eyebrows, but served the man three beers, which he drank quietly at a table, alone. The next evening the man again ordered and drank three beers at a time. Soon the entire town was whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers. Finally, a week later, the bartender broached the subject on behalf of the town. “I don’t mean to be prying but folks around here are wonderin why your always order three beers and drink them alone?”. “Tis a wee bit odd I would be supposin” the man replied. “You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America and the other went to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order two extra beers, whenever we would partake, as a way of keeping up the family bond.”

    The bartender and the whole town were pleased with his answer and with the reverence for family and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet. Then one day the man came in and ordered only two beers. The bartender served them with a heavy heart. Word flew around the hamlet quickly. Prayers were offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next day, the bartender said to the man, “folks around here, me first of all, want to offer our condolences to you for the death of your brother”

    The man pondered for a moment then replied, ” You’ll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It’s just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.”

    • Rusty Shackleford

      I’m no Catholic, but I’d give him a pass.

    • jaime_arg

      Top notch

  • Joanna Rene Rasmussen

    Warning, offensive….

    What do we want?
    A CURE FOR TOURETTE’S!
    When do we want it?
    CUNT!

    • chendaddy

      I live in China and cannot properly explain to anyone why I laughed as long as I did at this joke.

    • Tipsy

      Offensive? Oh please. If you think it’s offensive don’t say it, otherwise don’t put a cowardly label on it.

      • Joanna Rene Rasmussen

        Hmmm.. No need for hostility. It’s a joke, as is my concern for offering trigger warnings. I was being IRONIC. But, you’ve got my number, right? Yeah… You’re cool.

  • Jamie

    What’s C.S. Lewis got in his cupboard?…

    Narnia business!

  • Rusty Shackleford

    The priest in a small village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the rooster went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

    During Mass, he asked the congregation, “Has anybody got a cock?”

    All the men stood up.

    “No, no,” he said, “that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?”

    All the women stood up.

    “No, no,” he said, “that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them?”

    Half the women stood up.

    “No, no,” he said, “that wasn’t what I meant! Has anybody seen MY cock?”

    And all the altar boys stood up.

  • Dijou

    The world’s one and only dirty accounting joke:

    What’s better, a one-story whorehouse or a two-story whorehouse?

    One-story. With a two-story there’s too much fucking overhead.

  • A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender goes to serve him and cringes — this is the ugliest guy he’s ever laid eyes on. He gives the ugly guy his drink and says, “It’s on the house.” The ugly guy asks, “Why?” “Pity,” replies the bartender. “With a face like that, you must not get many girls.” The ugly guy laughs and says, “I get plenty of girls! I could get any girl in this bar to go home with me. Just watch.” The bartender watches him walk over to a good-looking girl and soon enough, they’re leaving together.

    A few nights later, the bartender sees the girl in the bar chatting with a friend. He calls her over and asks her, “Hey, you remember that ugly guy from the other day?” She laughs and nods. “What did he say to you to get you to go home with him?” the bartender asks.

    “Not a thing,” she says, “He just stood there licking his eyebrows.”

    • Dave Lancaster

      Love it Laura!

    • Renjith Joseph

      4 months late, I don’t get this. Someone explain, please?

      • imwithstoopid

        Lets just say just say that sometimes the Ladies forget the correct parts a gentleman should use for her pleasure and so………………
        Can’t be more polite now can I?

        • Renjith Joseph

          I’m really stuck. Be crude for me. Just this once.

          • imwithstoopid

            OK, now your really just being a troll.

            • Renjith Joseph

              I promise I’m not! I don’t understand what eyebrows has to do with anything. I don’t understand that last line!

            • TheSplash

              Google “gene simmons tongue” and you’ll get your answer.

            • imwithstoopid

              Bet they still don’t get it. The joke says “licking his eyebrows”.

            • Renjith Joseph

              Oh! I get it now! He licked his eyebrows straight with this tongue, it was so long! Thank you.

  • Jude

    What’s brown and sticky?
    A stick.

  • Erika

    Do you know what the sea says to the sand ?
    Nothing, it just waves.

  • Philipp

    An Austrian, a German, a nun and a young hot girl are sitting together in a train compartment. Once the train enters a tunnel, they are sitting in the dark and suddenly you hear a slap. The train leaves the tunnel and the German guy is rubbing his cheek.
    The nun thought: “The german guy must have touched the girl and she slept him in the face.”
    The girl though: “The german guy wanted to touch me, but accidently touched the nun and got slapped in the face.
    The German thought: “Damn, the Austrian touched the girl and I am the one getting slapped for it…”
    And the Austrian thought: “When the next tunnel comes, I’ll slap the German again…”

  • Chops

    How do you keep a turkey in suspense?

  • Simplersimon

    St. Peter, bored, decides to give people a free pass to heaven if they method of death is interesting enough. So a big brute of a man comes up, to tell his tale:

    Man:So I’m sure my wife’s been cheatin’ on me, and I take off early from work so I can catch’er at it, maybe. I walk in the house, and I know he’s there, she’s telling me I’m ridiculous, storms off, says she’s leaving an’ I’m paranoid, but I know. So I tear the place apart, looking for him, an’ just when I’m gonna give it up, I see ‘im, hanging off our deck. And our house is right on the edge of a cliff to, so I got him. He ain’t got nowhere to run. So I stomp his hands, but he hangs on. Then I grab a knife from the kitchen, and he still hangs on. So I start dump anything I can grab on his head. Still hanging on. Finally, I grab the fridge, shove it over, and flip it over on him. BAM. He let go then. Course, the cord had wrapped around my leg and yanked me after him.

    St. Peter let him in, thinking it’d be a millenium at least before someone topped that, when the painter came up:

    Painter:So this woman hires me to paint her house on the edge of a cliff, and it’s going fine until I have to paint the deck,and my rig fails. Somehow, miraculously, I grab hold of the bottom of the railing, and hang on for dear life.
    SP: How’d that work out?
    Painter:Anyway, I start shouting for help, but I guess she couldn’t hear me, so I shout for hours, and end up losing my voice. Then I hear some noise. People arguing. Finally, I hear footsteps, and the huge guy looks down. I’m thinking I’m saved. But then he steps on my fingers, just grinds his boot into them. Somehow, I held on. Then he starts stabbing me with a knife, and when that didn’t work, he starts throwing dishes at me. But I held on. At least, until he chucked a fridge at me.

    St. Peter lets him in and leans back, thinking that’s all, until the naked man walks up:

    Naked man: so I’m hiding, Buck naked in this fridge…

  • KendraLee

    What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?
    –elephino!

    Two whales are in a bar. One whale turns to the other and says, *make whale noises like Dory* (e.g. Howwwwwwwwww arrrrrrrre youuuuuuu?)
    The second whale says, “Bob, you’re drunk.”

  • Isaac

    Why did the Frenchman have one egg for his breakfast? Because one egg is un oeuf.

  • Justin Brown

    Two guys are wandering in the African savanna when they realize they are being stalked by a hungry lion. One guy, trembling with fear, watches as his companion slowly bends down and tightens his shoelaces.

    “You’re not going to try to run away, are you? You know you can’t outrun a lion!”

    “I don’t need to outrun the lion,” replies the companion as he prepares to flee, “I just need to outrun you!”

  • Marie

    What do you call a fly without wings?
    A walk.

  • hal9thou001

    How can you tell when an elephant is having its period? There’s a dime on your dresser and your mattress is missing.

  • Bindle

    Well . . . this should be done in an Irish accent, which I probably can’t manage in black and white, but here goes anyway of course. (Hmmm . . . by way of perusal, I see this one is waaaay longer then most here.)

    There was this golfer, dj’see, playing in County Galway, when a mighty following wind caught his ball and sent it flying eastward. He trotted after the ball and, finally, in County Kildare he caught up with it. But, to his dismay, he found it next to an apparently dead leprechaun!

    ‘Oh, me God,” he said to himself, said he, “Oi’ve gone and killed a leprechaun!”

    Hoping he was only knocked out, the golfer dipped his hat in the nearby creek and tossed the water over the wee person and, much to the
    golfer’s delight, the leprechaun sat up, sputtering and rubbing his eyes,
    saying, “All right, ye’ve caught me fair and square. What are your three wishes?”

    “Oh, no,” cries the golfer, “Oi don’t want no wishes. Oi’m just sorry Oi bonked ye.”

    “Ye don’t understand! There’re union rules!”

    “No, no,” cries the golfer, backing away before the stunned leprechaun can fully recover. He mutters to the retreating back, “Oi can’t stand the
    paperwork!”

    Too late, the golfer is gone. So the leprechaun puts his fingers to his
    forehead and does a trick all the wee people know: mind reading. “Ah, and here are his wishes: great golf, great financial fortune, and great sex!
    Poof! And it’s done and done.”

    Well, wouldn’t you know it, but a few years later the two meet up on another golf course. (Surprised?) After a few moments of kerfluffery, they begin to recognize one another.

    “Aye, tis ye, the golfer what bonked me!”

    “Aye, tis ye, the leprechaun Oi bonked!”

    “So tell me, how’s your golf game been lately?”

    “Well . . . y’know . . . it’s foony, but ever since we met, Oi’ve taken
    ten strokes off me handicap!”

    “That’s foine, that’s foine! And tell me, how’s your financial picture?”

    “Well . . . y’know . . . it’s foony, but ever since we met, my portfolio has been going up like a Nazi salute!”

    “Well now, well now. And tell me, how’s your sex life doing?”

    “Well . . . y’know . . . it’s foony, but ever since we met, Oi’ve been
    getting laid once a week!”

    “Once a week? That doesn’t sound like very much.”

    “Aye! . . . ’tis for a coontry parish praist!”

  • James

    What do you call a mushroom that walks into the bar and orders everyone a drink?

    A fungi.

  • James

    What’s the difference between a piano and a fish?

    You can tune a piano but you can’t tune a fish.

    • Jon

      I “can tune a fish”. Tuna in cans is super common.

      • morphoj

        no no no no…you CAN ‘ttuna fish

  • This one came from a Monty Python episode:

    What’s brown and sounds like a bell?

    Dungggggg

  • Pecanac

    What is a snail doing on a turtle? “Weeeee!!!”

  • The Winning Joke

    The Internet is great, but I hate the pop-ups. Like, no PornHub I do not wanna play poker right now … I’m at work damn it.

  • Kirsten

    I’ve heard this one as the old Italian Giovanni with boats and churches and houses but this one is almost as good.

    A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

    The Old Man says, “Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it’s built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months.”

    “But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo…”

    Then the old man gestured at the bar. “Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin’ back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days.”

    “But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo…”

    Then the old man points out the window. “Eh, Laddy, look out to sea…Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board.”

    “But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo…”

    Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.

    “But ya fuck one goat…”

  • mnrsiat

    An engineer, a mathematician, and a logician are traveling in Scotland, where none of them have ever been before. They rent a car and drive through the highlands, viewing the lovely green lonely countryside. They see a black sheep on the side of one of the hills.

    The engineer says, “Look! Scottish sheep are black.”
    The mathematician says, “We don’t have enough information to conclude that. All we really know is that at least one sheep in Scotland is black.”
    The logician says, “Actually all we REALLY know is that at least one sheep in Scotland is black on at least one side.”

  • Robert24

    Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One looks at the other and says, “Damn it is hot in here.”
    To which the other muffin replies, “Holy shit! A talking muffin!”

  • Vinay Kapadia

    so there’s a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake. the first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people. the second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power, too. the third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

    the kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it’s a valuable resource to have. the first kingdom sends 100 of their finest knights, clad in the best armor and each with their own personal squire. the second kingdom sends 50 of their knights, with fine leather armor and a few dozen squires of their own. the third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire.

    the night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and make merry, partying into the late hours of the night. the knights in the second kingdom aren’t as well off, but have their own supply of grog and also drink late into the night.

    in the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and slings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. he fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight.

    the next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hung over and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old and weary, unable to get up. in place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. the battle lasts long into the night, but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing – the squire from the third kingdom.

    and it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides

    • Rusty Shackleford

      Really long build up to a bad pun.

    • Bindle

      I heard a similar one. To make a long story short, I’ll cut to the chase: The sons of the squaw on the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

    • Gautam K

      Hows this then ?

      Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him …… A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

  • Vinay Kapadia

    Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me today. Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil.

  • Vinay Kapadia

    An Englishman, Frenchman, Spaniard, and German are standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the 4 gentlemen have a very poor view so he stands on a stool and calls out “Can you all see me know?”

    They reply, “Yes”, “Oui”, “Si”, “Ja”.

  • Kevin

    What was FDR before his presidency?
    Mobile.

  • Melanie

    Seven dwarves sitting in a bath all feeling happy. Happy got out so they all started feeling grumpy.

    • Annie

      Took me a while O_o

  • Melanie

    What do you call an alligator in a vest?
    An investigator

    • Josh

      You just made my day (=

  • Jords

    Why do white girls love odd numbers?

    Because they can’t even.

  • Tyler

    In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

    On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

    The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

    Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

    Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

    Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

    • Rachel Robinson

      that one kinda made me wet myself. nice.

  • DS

    How can you tell if someone is a vegan?

    Don’t worry. They’ll let you know.

    • Tipsy

      And you should be too.

  • Amy Wolitzer

    How do you fit an elephant in a “Safeway” bag?

    You take the “F” out of safe and the “F” out of way.
    [wait for them to be confused, get them to explain why they can’t take the “F” out of way…. It has to be said aloud.]

  • Philipp

    When G.W Bush finally dies, he comes into hell. Since he was once the president, the devil himself came to greet him and show him around. He tells George: “No need to worry, George, presidents get special treatment even in hell. I’ll show you what we have in stock for presidents”… So the stroll along a long passage with doors left and right. The devil opens the first door, and you so ex-president Eisenhower being in the chamber, being punished by whips, his whole body pruised and bloody, screaming inbearably… Bush goes: “Oh dear God, please not this, everything but this….” So they moved on, and the Devil opened the next door. Behind there, they find ex president Nixon, being bound on a chair, and flames are all around him, burning him over and over again, his screams are unbearable. “Please, Bush begged, not an eternity like this… everything else, please please”… And so they moved on, to the next door. As the Devil opened it, Bush finds to his surprise ex-president Bill Clinton standing tall, and Monika Lewinsky on her knees giving him a blowjob… Bush thought “Well, this is not nearly as bad as the rest” and told the devil: “I have made my decision, if it has to be for eternity, I’m having what Bill’s having”.
    The devil says: “Very well, so be it. Monika, you are redeemed”

  • Dannies

    I remember this one from “Good Will Hunting”..

    So I was on this plane once. And I’m sittin’ there and the captain comes on and does his whole, “We’ll be cruising at 35,000 feet.” then he puts the mic down but he forgets to turn it off.
    Then he turns to the copilot and goes, “You know, all I could go for right now is a blow job and a cup of coffee.” So the stewardess goes bombin’ up from the back of the place to tell him the mics still on, and this guy behind me goes, “Hey hun, don’t forget the coffee!”

  • cotpoe

    The cosmic joke played by the powers that be:

    A man said to the universe: “Sir, I exist !!”

    “However”, replied the universe in a wry amused tone,

    ” The fact has not created in me a sense of obligation.”

    • Jerry Bradbury

      Stephen Crane misquoted, but still wry and amusing.

      • cotpoe

        Haha, true. Stephen Crane’s quote embellished. Never knew who the quote was attributed to – so thanks for the info :). Well apart from wry and amusing – I don’t know what tone the universe will take when addressing a man’s existential angst 🙂

      • cotpoe

        Haha, Thanks :). I felt that the only tone the universe could have was -wry and amused so embellished the original quote. Thanks for the reference regarding who it was attributed to. Heard this one randomly somewhere and never knew about Stephen Crane 🙂 Cheers

    • Tipsy

      I do not understand.

  • Amy C

    How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    It’s like… this really obscure number… you’ve probably never heard of it.

  • John Bain

    This morning I told my wife that she had painted her eyebrows too high up on her forehead. She looked surprised.

    Q. How many Freudian psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?
    A. Two. One to unscrew the bulb, and the other to hold the penis… LADDER! I mean ladder!

  • James

    Knock, knock.
    Who’s there?
    To.
    To who?
    To whom.

  • Rachel Robinson

    What is a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?
    A person who lays awake at night, contemplating the existence of Dog.

  • Rachel Robinson

    How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
    Only one, and it’s not funny!

  • Anthony LoPrete

    A boy with no arms walks up to an ice cream man. The ice cream man asks the boy, “Hello! What flavor of ice cream would you like?” The boy replies, “It doesn’t matter, I’m going to drop it anyway,”

  • Brian Cullen

    What’s better than roses on your piano?

    Tulips on my organ.

  • Brian Cullen

    How does a Scotsman find his sheep in the tall grass?

    Very satisfying.

  • Brian Cullen

    How many dead hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    I don’t know. There’s three in my basement t and it’s still dark down there.

    • FuzzyBunnyFeet

      How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

      Two, but you need a very large light bulb or very small elephants.

  • Brian Cullen

    How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Cops don’t change anything, they just beat the room for being black.

    • Tipsy

      Good one.

  • Bindle

    Oh, dear! Don’t get me started on puns! (Too late.)

    Most people know that Mahatma Gandhi was a rather frail character, who walked barefoot everywhere he went. Not everyone is aware, though, that due to some of his dietary peculiarities — don’t ask! — he was also known for his bad breath.

    Yes . . . he was a super-calloused, fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis.

    (Sheesh, I hope I got that right!)

  • Vinay Kapadia

    My mailman told me he was going to Spain, so I asked him if he was going to visit Parcelona. He didn’t find it funny. Guess I didn’t say it right, the key to a good mail joke is the delivery.

  • Scott Pedersen

    What’s the difference between a duck

    • simdivit

      One of its legs are both the same

  • Bindle

    Does anyone out there remember Roy Rogers, King of the Cowboys, and his wife, Dale Evans?

    Well — one day Roy bought a beautiful new pair of cowboy boots, fine leather, hand-tooled, wonderfully detailed. If you’ve ever bought a pair of new cowboy boots, you know you have to treat them with bear grease and lard to soften ’em up. And if you’ve ever bear greased and larded cowboy boots, you know you don’t keep ’em in the house to cure overnight, the smell being, well, pungent.

    So Roy left his boots out on the veranda to dry and went to bed, visions of sugar plums and cowboy boots dancing in his head. Leaping out of bed at the crack of dawn, he rushed out to the veranda . . . only to find that some bobcat or mountain lion, attracted by the smell of bear grease, had made mincemeat of his boots. There were scraps and tatters of those lovely
    boots everywhere.

    Roy was pissed. So he grabbed his shotgun and mounted (so to speak) Trigger, his golden palomino, and set off to hunt down that varmint,
    steel set in his jaw, revenge burning in his heart. Tracking the smell of bear grease, he rode through plains and gullies, arroyos and canyons, hills and dales, swamps, and fens, finally cornering the cat in a box canyon.
    Checking under its fingernails, he found traces of leather, to make sure
    he had the guilty party. So he killed the cat, skinned the cat, and threw the skin of the cat over the pommel of his saddle and came riding triumphantly home.

    As he approached the ranch house, Dale waltzed out to the veranda and sang (sing along if you know the melody), “Well, pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?”

    • gpsimms

      I seriously have no idea what you are talking about. Your story is beautifully told, so somehow I believe it must be funny. But there is some inside-joke-ness I must be missing here. Care to fill it in for the regular folks? Or if it’s not inside-joke-ness, is there some sort of you-are-dumb-why-don’t-you-get-this dots you would like to connect?

      • Bindle

        Well, it’s probably an age thing. (A great philosopher once said “You can’t step into the same history twice.”) The punch line riffs on a song from the early 40s, first done by Glenn Miller: “Well, pardon me boy. Is that the Chattanooga Choo-choo?” You can see the Andrews Sisters sing it here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FdrYYUuT07Q and there’s even (of course!) a wiki entry for it http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chattanooga_Choo_Choo.

        Roy Rogers, Dale Evans, and Trigger, the Golden Palomino were from the same era.

      • Bindle

        That’s odd. I replied to this, edited it a bit to include some clips from Youtube and it’s disappeared. It exists among my own postings if I click on my face, with an indicator of Detected as Spam. Can anyone help me out here? I’ll try to copy and paste as a repost it, see what happens. . . .

        Hmmm . . . it reposted but without the clips nor the URLs that get you there. Help? (For that matter, I don’t seem to know the trick to put a picture of the video clip in line with the text.)

        By way of experimenting, here are the three URLs:
        https://youtu.be/FdrYYUuT07Q for the Andrews Sisters
        https://youtu.be/0ZLPJuy9oyQ for the Gene Wilder clip
        https://youtu.be/fxML_k0_NaA for the Glenn Miller clip

        Okay, now I’m really baffled. At first, all I could see were the URLs. Suddenly, after editing this message to add that I didn’t know how to make the clip pix show up . . . there they were, three clip pix and no obvious URLs.

      • Bindle

        Well, it’s probably an age thing, of which I have a lot. (A great philosopher once said “You can’t step into the same history twice.”) The punch line riffs on a line of a song from the early 40s, first done by Glenn Miller: “Well, pardon me boy. Is that the Chattanooga Choo-choo?” You can hear the Andrews Sisters sing it here.
        [See my response below.]
        and there’s even (of course!) a wiki entry for it http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/C….

        Roy Rogers, Dale Evans, and Trigger, Roy’s Golden Palomino, were from the same era.

        It’s also likely that the song did not become a cliche (now too old to be remembered?) in parts of the world other than North America, if you aren’t from there. Googling on ‘Chattanooga Choo Choo puns’ gets 19,000 hits (including the Roy Rogers one), pretty paltry in the World of Google but still not none. Amazing.

        Gene Wilder also riffed on it, in Young Frankenstein.
        [See my response below.]
        And here’s a clip of Glenn Miller and his Big Band doing it:
        [See my response below.]

    • Jeff Lewis

      I’ve heard my great uncle tell that one. It doesn’t quite work out without singing the punchline, but it’s still funny when heard out loud.

      • Bindle

        Yeah, I really should have expected that: you need not only voice but some body language from Dale, too. And, as you saw, it confounded at least one reader. Since it didn’t get more than a token or two thumbs, I reckon it confounded a lot of others, too.

        Cheers, Bindle

    • imwithstoopid

      How many on here are old enough to get it… still cool, cat, dig it.

  • Jaden Smith’s Twitter https://twitter.com/officialjaden you’re welcome

    • Anthony Edwards

      Woah, that was both better… and yet more awful than I expected. Thanks.

  • Andrew Williams

    A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and goes into a coma.

    After nearly six months, she wakes up to find that she is no longer pregnant.

    Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

    The doctor replies, “You had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them!”

    The woman thinks to herself, “Oh no, not my brother!” Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”

    “Denise,” the doctor says.

    The new mother thinks, “Wow, that’s not such a bad name! I like Denise!”

    Then she asks the doctor, “What’s the boy’s name?”

    “Denephew”.

    • Denephew Collins

      I dont get it

      • Amn’t

        De-Nephew

  • TwB

    Farmer Bob’s wife, Jill, is asleep in bed one morning when all of a sudden, Bob walks into the bedroom, carrying a young pig under his arm.

    Jill wakes up and says: “Bob, what are you doing with that pig under your arm?”

    Bob and the pig both look at Jill, then Bob looks down at the pig and says: “I wanted to show you this pig I’ve been screwing.”

    Jill exclaims: “Bob, you’re screwing that pig?!?”

    Then Bob says: “I wasn’t talking to you!”

    • Vinay Kapadia

      I’ve heard it where Bob is carrying a sheep. He says “I wanted to show you the pig I’ve been screwing.” Jill says “I think you’ll find that’s a sheep.” To which Bob replies, “I think you’ll find I wasn’t talking to you.”

    • Tim

      Much funnier if you say with a ‘duck’ under his arm also The girlfriend doesn’t exclaim a question but says “That’s a duck, not a pig.” It’s funnier because of the ‘ol switcharoo’ as well as the fact that duck is an inherently funny word.

      • Tipsy

        But if it’s a pig it’s even MORE of a switcharoo.

  • Arno Faustand

    How do you notice that your sister has her menstruation?

    If the cock of your father tastes of blood.

    • Rusty Shackleford

      What does it mean when you taste shit on your father’s cock?

      • sabs546

        It means somebodies in dire need of a girl/boyfriend
        Or maybe a hooker

  • sabs546

    What’s brown and sticky…

    A stick -_-

  • Annie

    Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”
    Dad says, “Well, I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you The People. The nanny is The Working Class. We’ll call your baby brother The Future.”
    Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and finds that his diapers are soiled but Mom is sound asleep. He goes to the nanny’s room and looks through the peephole. He sees his father in bed with the nanny.
    The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand what politics is now.”
    “Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are.”
    The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”

    • sabs546

      XD thats freakin awesome

  • sportibus

    the best joke I know is alsoa Barenaked Ladies song: 789

  • I invite you all to read this in your heads in imaginary pirate voices.

    So there’s this pirate. He was walkin’ ’round Tortuga with this massive, crusty old wooden ship’s wheel hanging right… in front of his crotch. Big old handles, like this. [Envision large handles]. And as he walked it clanked side to side, like this. [Envision something awkward, heavy, and slow].

    The pirate lumbers awkwardly into a bar and *bam!* takes a seat at the bar. Orders a Pusser’s, neat. As the bartender’s fixing the pirate his rum, he coughs, tilts his head, leans in a little, and says, “Ey buddy, so eh… you don’t mind my asking, but what is that?”, nodding to the wheel.

    The pirate growls and says, “Arrr! This?”, gesturing to the wheel. “It’s drivin’ me nuts.”

    😉

  • Logan

    How many vegans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    I’m better than you.

    Why did the hipster burn his tongue on the pizza?

    Because she ate it before it was cool.

    • Tipsy

      A lot of vegan assholes exist, I just had a big argue with twenty of them on twitter. But it’s without doubt the most ethical diet there is.

  • Ryduggy

    How do you spot an Italian airplane?
    It’s the one with hair under its wings.

  • Chris

    What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?

    Someone always answers “R”

    To which you respond “Arrrrr, you’d think so, but it’s the sea.”

  • sabs546

    I would be able to think of one unfortunately I only remember the racist jokes so screw it

    • sabs546

      Actually I remember a good one that my friend showed me

      A pakistani and an indian are in greggs

      The Indian steals 3 pasties and says “see that nobody saw me”

      The pakistani says that’s nothing
      Watch this
      He goes to the manager and asks for 3 pasties and says “I’ll show you a magic trick”
      He then eats the three pasties and the manager says “how is that magic”
      The pakistani then replies “check the Indians pocket”

      • Rusty Shackleford

        I wouldn’t call this racist, you could replace Indian and Pakistani with any demographic or even occupation.

        • sabs546

          Lol this one wasnt a racist one they were pakistani and indian because thats how I was told the joke

  • wobster109

    Resistance is futile, but capacitance has potential.

  • bwouns

    Q: What does it take to circumcise a whale?

    A: Four skin divers

    [pause for laughter]

    It doesn’t pay all that much but the tips are big

  • bwouns

    Q: How do you titillate an ocelot?

    A: Oscillate its tit a lot.

  • Blutac

    Why did the koala fall out of the Gum tree?
    It was dead

  • Dee Bleakley

    A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says “Can I get five drinks please?”

  • Jeff Lewis

    To give credit where credit is due, this joke was written by a comedian named Emo Philips (see The best God joke ever – and it’s mine!). Anyway, here it is:

    Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!” He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

    He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me, too! What franchise?” He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”

    He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me, too!”

    Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

    • Matthew Law

      I’ve heard this in sermons before :’)

    • Madame Blue

      Classic! Love Emo!

  • Jeff Lewis

    I usually get out load laughs from most engineers when they hear this joke the first time, and just puzzled looks from non-engineers:

    A mathematician, an experimental physicist, and an engineer are all tasked with determining the volume of a little red rubber ball.

    The mathematician says, “That’s easy. I know the formula for the volume of a sphere is 4/3*Pi*R^3, so all I have to do is measure the diameter of the ball and I can calculate it’s volume.”

    The phsysicist says, “I know Archimedes Principle, so I can just get a graduated cylinder, fill it with water, submerge the ball and see how much water it displaces.”

    The engineer says, “Hold on a minute. Let me go get my little red rubber ball book.”

    • sabs546

      Wow you’re right
      So can someone explain this

      • Jeff Lewis

        Engineers, especially design engineers, have reference books/catalogs for everything. If I want to know how strong a rod end bearing is, I look it up in the Heim catalog, which is 64 pages of data mostly on just spherical bearings. If I want to know the strength rating of an AN bolt, or an MS20073 bolt, etc., I look it up in a hardware catalog. If I want to know how to calculate the stress in a part, I look up the specific load case in Roark & Young. If I have questions about the property of a metal, I’ll check the Machinery’s Handbook. If I need to know the air density at 30,000 ft, I’ll check the standard atmosphere appendix in my aeronautical text book.

        Of course, the joke, being a joke, is extreme. Engineers could easily calculate the volume just by measuring the diameter. The joke is that we use reference books so much.

        • Albert Caubet

          I knew another version of the same joke.

          A mathematician, an experimental physicist, and an engineer are all tasked with determining the volume of a cow.

          The mathematician says, “I cut the cow in many thin slices, I do a numerical integration, and I get its volume”.

          The physicist says, “I get a graduated cylinder filled with water, submerge the cow in it, and measure the displacement”.

          The engineer says, “I assume the cow is a sphere. So, 4/3*PI*R^3.”

          • Tipsy

            LOL!

  • Danny

    Did you hear the one about the jump rope and the lollipop?

    Skip it, it sucks.

  • lampkinscane

    When Earl and Ethel first started dating many years ago they went to a county fair. At the fair there was a man with a helicopter giving rides for $50 a person. Now Earl had never seen a helicopter before, much less ridden in one, so he wanted to do it. Ethel cautioned against it as they were just starting out and did not have a lot of money. “I know you want to go, Earl, but we don’t have much money, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars,” she said. Disappointed, Earl and Ethel left the fair without going on the ride. 15 years later they went back to fair again, and another man was giving helicopter rides. The cost was still $50, and Earl wanted to go. “I know it would be great to go, but we have kids to feed and, well, 50 dollars is 50 dollars,” Ethel said. Again, they left without going on the ride. Another 15 years later they were at the fair and again there was a man giving helicopter rides, again for $50. “Earl, we cannot afford it,” said Ethel. “We need to save money for our retirement, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.” Disheartened, Earl began to walk away, but this time the pilot overheard and offered him a deal. “I’ll tell you what, if you go on this ride, and don’t make a single peep when I do all the barrel rolls, dives, tricks and turns, I won’t charge either of you!” Earl looked at Ethel, who knew how much it would mean to her husband to go. So up they went, and through all the dives and rolls, the pilot didn’t hear a single peep. He was utterly amazed, and as he finished all the tricks he could think of he looked back to congratulate the pair. As he turned around, only Earl was strapped into his seat. “Where is Ethel?! What happened???” cried the pilot. “Oh, she fell out halfway through, but I didn’t want to make a peep because then you would charge us, and as Ethel always said, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!”

  • Jan Klusáček

    An American, a Russian and Czech got captured by canibals. As they lie tied up in ropes, the chieftain tells them: “We will kill you, cook you, eat you and make a canoe out of your skin. You can, however, chose the way of your death.”

    American says: “Bring me my gun!” He points it at his head, whispers “God bless America” and pulls the trigger.

    Russian asks for his firt aid kit. He takes out a small pill, put it in between teeth, says “Long live mother Russia!” and bites.

    Czech wishes for a fork. He looks at it for a while and then he stabs it in his leg. He pulls it out and stabs again. And again. On the other leg, body and face, he even uses his left hand to stab the right one, every place he can reach. After a while, he is totally exhausted, lying in blood… but is still stabing himself with the fork again and again. Nearly dead, he points the fork on the chieftain, smiles and says: “Good luck with the canoe, you motherfucker!”

  • Luke H

    Why is 6 afraid of 7?

    Because 7 is a registered six offender.

    • FuzzyBunnyFeet

      789

      • imwithstoopid

        no—4321-0

  • Sisyphus

    So this guy is just kind of hanging out at home, watching some TV when he hears this really loud noise. It sounds like someone is jumping up and down on his roof. So he goes outside and damn if there isn’t a gorilla on the roof of his house, jumping up and down and running back and forth. So the guy stands there for a minute, cause that’s not something you see every day, and then goes back in the house, picks up the phone and dials 911. When the operator answers and says, “911 What is your emergency?” The guy pauses, and says, “This is going to sound kind of crazy, but I didn’t know who else to call. There is a gorilla on the roof of my house.” The 911 operator says, “Actually, this happens more than you might think. Sit tight, the Gorilla Response Team is on its way.” And the guy’s like, “Cool.” A few minutes later, a van pulls up and this man jumps out. His badge says “GRT Supervisor” and he’s got a gun, a net, a ladder, a baseball bat, and a pit bull. The guy looks at all this and says, “What the hell is all this?” The GRT supervisor says, “Here’s how this is going to work. I’m going to lay the net down on the ground, use the net to get on the roof, hit the gorilla with the baseball bet, and the pit bull will grab the gorilla by the balls and hold him until I get back down here.” And the guy says, “Okay, but what’s the gun for?” and the GRT supervisor says, “The gun’s for you.” And the guy’s like, “What do you mean the gun’s for me? Why do I need a gun?” And the GRT supervisor says, “Because if something goes wrong, and the gorilla knocks me off the roof into that net, I’m going to need you to shoot the fucking dog.”

    • What?

      • Tipsy

        Because the dog will bite his balls.

    • Jerry Bradbury

      Maybe this will help?. . . use the ladder to get on the roof, knock the gorilla off the roof with the baseball bat . . .

  • Brandon L.

    Superman was out busy fighting crime one Friday night. He was overwhelmed with all the shit going down so he decided to call some of his Superfriends to help him out. He called Batman, but he was out partying. He called Aquaman, but he was out of calling range (probably underwater or some shit). So he decided to call Wonder Woman, who didn’t even answer her phone. Curious, he flew over to Wonder Woman’s house. He knocked on the door and there was no answer. He then flew up to the second door and peeped through her window. To his surprise, there was Wonder Woman in bed laying face up, alone, eyes closed and gyrating like she was getting it on with herself…Superman’s freaky ass used his super speed to fly in the room, hit it real quick and flew out!

    “What the hell was that?” Wonder Woman asks.

    The Invisible Man said “I don’t know, but my ass really hurts!”

    • Rusty Shackleford

      i have to wonder… that must have created an enormous amount of friction.

  • George

    What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?

    Wipe it off and apologise.

  • Mike

    A Man gets the words “I love you tatooed on his penis.

    He goes home, his wife says “quit trying to put words in my mouth”.

  • Mike

    Two guys are sitting around talking about their wives birthdays.

    First guy says “this year, I got my wife a diamond necklace and a rolls Royce”.

    Second guy asks “why two things?”

    First guy says, “I figure if she doesn’t like the necklace she can go return it while driving the rolls. What’d you get your wife?”

    Second guy says “I got her a t shirt and a dildo”

    First guy asks “why’d you get her those?”

    Second guy says “I figure if she don’t like the t shirt, she can go fuck herself.”

  • Mike

    A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh.

    Her friend asks why she chose to get it there.

    The blonde says, “It’s really cool. If you put your ear up to it, you can smell the ocean”.

  • Mike

    A woman has been in a coma for three months. The doctors can’t say if she’ll ever wake up.

    One day, a nurse is giving the woman a sponge bath. The nurse starts to wash the woman’s vagina, and the woman starts to softly moan. The nurse washes a little harder and the woman starts to moan louder and bite her lip.

    The nurse runs out of the room and tells the doctor exactly what happened.

    The doctor finds the woman’s husband and explains the situation.

    “I don’t know if this will work”, says the doctor, “but I think you should go in there and have oral sex with your wife”.

    The man goes into the room, closes the door, and draws the curtains closed.

    30 seconds later there’s a code blue. The woman’s flatlining. By the time the doctor gets back into the room, she’s gone.

    Stunned, the doctor asks “what happened?”

    “I don’t know”, the man says. “She must have choked”.

  • Mike

    A man and his girlfriend are having sex. They finish up, and the girlfriend looks into the box of condoms, and notices there’s only five left. She says “what happened to all the other condoms, we just bought these”. The man says “I jerked off into them”. She says “Really?”. He says “Yeah”.

    A couple of days later she’s talking to her brother, and she tells him what happened. She says “Do you ever do that?”. Her brother says “Sure, all the time”. She says “Really, you jerk off into condoms?”, and her brother says “No, I thought you meant lie to my girlfriend”.

  • Mike

    A man goes to a doctor for a physical examination. Doctor says “sir, you have to stop masturbating”. Man says “why?”. Doctor says “so I can start the examination”.

  • Mike

    A man goes to his wife and hands her two asprin and a glass of water. His wife says “what’s this for, I don’t have a headache”. The man says “good, let’s have sex”.

  • Rusty Shackleford

    A bishop invites a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the priest can’t help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper is. Over the course of the evening he starts to wonder if there’s more between the bishop and the housekeeper than meets the eye. Reading the young priest’s thoughts, the bishop volunteers, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional.”

    About a week later the housekeeper comes to the bishop and says, “Excellency, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose he took it, do you?”

    The bishop says, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write him a letter just to be sure.” So he sits down and writes: “Dear Father, I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”

    Several days later the bishop receives a letter from the young priest, which reads: “Your Excellency, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with your housekeeper, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now.”
    (courtesy of alltooflat.com)

  • What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

    A carrot

    • Ethan Mearls

      your profile picture just wraps up the whole joke

    • almejagigante

      I swear I wrote this joke 20 years ago! Really. I was driving with my friend, Michael. It is the only joke I’ve ever written, though I guess two people could write the same joke. How cool to see it here… 🙂

  • Chester Travis

    What’s worse than waking up next to Willie Nelson?

    Realising it’s not Willie Nelson.

  • Daphne Barber

    If you’re Russian when you head to the bathroom and you’re American when you leave, what are you in the bathroom?
    European.

  • Adriano Di Gregorio

    Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
    To get to the same side

  • Mike

    A minister, a priest and Rabbi Samuels went for a walk in the country. It was a very hot day. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water naked. When they came out, they were feeling so refreshed that the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their “freedom.”
    But as they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and Rabbi Samuels covered his face.
    After the ladies had left and the men had got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked Rabbi Samuels why he covered his face rather than his privates.
    Rabbi Samuels replied, “I don’t know about you, but in MY congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.”

    • Rusty Shackleford

      i lol’d.

  • katherine

    A joke very popular with the 6-10 year old boy crowd:
    What kind of bees give milk?
    Boobies!

  • Chris

    Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says “You man the guns. I’ll drive.”

  • This dyslexic man walks into a bra…

  • Three old ladies (Gertrude, Maude and Tilly) were sitting on a park
    bench having a quiet conversation when a handsome young man dressed only
    in a trench coat approached them from across the park.

    The young man came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

    Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
    Seeing her friend’s reaction, Maude also had a stroke.

    But Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble than her friends, couldn’t quite reach that far…

    • Bianca

      Now THAT joke made me laugh out loud!

  • Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot
    friend on a cold night after a few drinks; PRICELESS!

  • Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
    A. Sum Ting Wong

    More here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/freeewilly/

  • “If we can manage to convince the Chinese that Jihadists’ testicles are aphrodisiacs, within ten years they’ll have all disappeared…”

    https://www.facebook.com/groups/freeewilly/

    • imwithstoopid

      No, you’d have a bunch of Jihadist eunuchs running around with a usless weapon and a lot of laughing women.

  • Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of ‘I’m a celebrity, get
    me out of here!’ Show bosses think she will do really well since she’s
    been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.
    https://www.facebook.com/groups/freeewilly/

  • Jimmy Cooper

    A plane is having a major mechanical failure in mid-air, so the pilot says “the plane is going down in the middle of the ocean, we’re all gonna die”. Surprisingly, nobody panics. some people pray, some people send text messages to their loved ones.

    Then, as the plane begins its fatal descend, this reasonably attractive woman stands up and says “is there any man here that can make me feel like a woman one last time?. Silence ensues, and then this tall, dark, handsome man stands up and walks towards her, while the other passengers look at them, somewhat astonished.

    The man stops in front of the woman, unbuttons his shirt and says “here, hide my shirt”.

    • Rusty Shackleford

      I don’t get it, “hide”? Wouldn’t “iron” make more sense?

      • Shadowbox Wanamaker

        Yeah that’s the version I’ve heard too

      • Jimmy Cooper

        I’ve heard both versions, I like “hide” better because it’s more subtle.

        • Rusty Shackleford

          That’s what I’m asking, what does it imply? Hide from what?

          • Jimmy Cooper

            Hide from the tall, dark, handsome man. Some women like to change the place you store your stuff (clothes, gear, whatever) – they call it “organizing”, I call it hiding. And then, after you get used to the new place, they change it again – they call it “re-organizing”, I call it hiding once more.

            • Rusty Shackleford

              Is that the actual intent of the joke? Sounds far-fetched to me.

            • Jimmy Cooper

              I did not changed it, that’s how I heard it. I guess you’d have to live with one of those women to relate.

  • Verdun

    So there’s this guy who is just one of those typical losers. He’s boring, lame, and doesn’t have any friends. (A real Akaky Akakievich type.) All he does is wake up, eat his boring breakfast, go to his boring job, drive home, and watch boring TV over a boring dinner. He’s a total loser. One day as he’s driving home, he sees that the circus is coming to town. Our poor loser is suddenly struck with a lifting feeling that fun and good times might be accessible to him! What the hell? he decides. Let’s live a little and go to the circus! Of course when he arrives the night of the circus, none of the coworkers he invited are there, the poor loser, but he decides to try and not let it get to him and to just enjoy this taste of sweet, sweet fun and liveliness. The circus is great! The tigers, the bears, the lions, the tight rope walkers, the gymnasts, all that crazy shit is going on. This circus is churning out some great stuff! The loser man totally loves it. He marvels at it all and in his heart he feels the lift of fun and good times. To think! A loser like him could feel such feelings! As the man sat comfortably in this joyful reverie, the last act of the circus came out to the crowd. It was a clown, looking downright hilarious. How the man laughed and laughed! The clown had an amazing string of jokes and funnies flying every which way. The man felt elated being a part of the group in their shared state of joy and giggles. He started to think that maybe he did deserve to be a member of the human species and that maybe he wasn’t a nobody after all. But then the clown started looking around in the crowd for someone to make fun of. And of course, the clown chooses our loser man. Well, this clown tears the guy APART. He’s making incredibly hilarious and cruel jokes about the guy. He’s making fun of his looks, his posture, his visible surprise and sorrow. The clown is even telling the guy’s story of his loser life and riffing on it! And he’s spot on! The crowd is explosive with laughter. Everyone except our loser guy, of course. Mr. Loser is being crushed. He is flooded with his lameness and unworthiness. Everything the clown is saying is true–he’s an utter loser who has no place on this planet. He is really shaken. He is so upset that he considers suicide all evening after the circus. But then something happens. As loser man lies awake in bed, a flicker of hope moves within him. Then it starts to grow. “I can choose my life,” he says to himself. He gets that soaring sensation again, that maybe there is a place for him in this world and its up to him to write the story of his life. Well, the next day, the man quits his job. He turns his back on his boring life and enrolls himself in college. He’s going to get a degree in wit! He’s got his mind, heart, and soul set on becoming incredibly witty. He’s going to be so incredibly witty, he’s going to go back to that circus and TEAR THAT CLOWN APART. Nothing can stifle our man’s determination. He starts to be awesome. He gets friends, he beefs up, gets girls. And after he gets his bachelor’s degree in wit, he goes on to get a master’s degree in wit, then a PhD in wit! Before long, he’s teaching wit and giving seminars and TED talks and having witty conversations with the Dalai Lama. Time names him the wittiest man alive and he gets people like Conan and Jimmy Fallon following him on twitter. After reveling in his celebrity for awhile, he decides it’s time to face the clown. He looks up the dates for the circus, gets his ticket, gets Riri to go with him as his date, and starts to mentally prepare for the showdown. The night of the circus comes and it’s just like before. The circus animals, the tightrope walker, the gymnasts all come out and do their thing and it’s just as awesome as ever. The man is feeling super witty and ready when the clown is announced on stage. As before, the clown goes through all his great jokes. The man is tracking the clown closely, observing the clown’s style and mannerisms. The man is looking for the clown’s weakness to exploit in his upcoming demonstration of MASTERFUL and MERCILESS WIT. Then the clown comes to the finale, looking for someone in the crowd to pick on. Well, of course, the clown sees our man and recognizes him! He starts tearing into him and the crowd is going wild. Everyone is eating it up and the clown is obviously feeling very happy with himself. But the man is focused. He waits for the right moment. When the time is finally right and the moment is ripe, the man stands up before everyone, looks the clown straight in the eye and says… “fuck you, clown!!!” 😉

    • Rusty Shackleford

      I feel like I’m missing something.

      • JohnFornaro

        Taht one was very lame, but hey.

    • Don

      Actually laughed out loud – thanks ?

  • Rusty Shackleford

    courtesy of break.com

  • Jerry Bradbury

    There can be no such thing as the best joke. If there was and you heard it, you’d laugh yourself to death. (Monty Python)

    But here are some I like.

    Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are having a fight.
    Minnie (through tears): And another thing, I can’t believe you think I’m crazy!
    Mickey: I didn’t say that. I said I think you’re fuckin’ Goofy.

    I also like stories with morals.

    First story:

    There once was a benevolent king of Palau. He was wise and generous and his people loved him. He had inherited a huge ornately carved mahogany throne from his father but it was hard and hot and uncomfortable. To honor his birthday, his people presented him with a light and airy summer throne woven of palm fronds and long grasses. The king loved his new throne and decided to replace the old one with it on his dais. There was nowhere to store the old mahogany throne so they tucked it up in the attic. One day as the king was holding council, there was a rustling and a cracking and the old throne crashed through the grass ceiling and crushed the king to blood.

    Moral: People who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

    Second story:

    It was twilight in the jungle. All the animals were following the path to the waterhole for a drink after the long hot day. Little did they know that the clever natives in a nearby village had dug a huge pit in the middle of the path and covered it over with bamboo and leaves so it was invisible. The animals just walked across it without suspecting anything. But here came the elephant. He clumped out across the bamboo and fell into the pit. He immediately began trumpeting and bellowing for help but the other animals just looked in and shook their heads. The panther put it into words: “Dude. You’re an elephant. Hello? What can any one of us do?” Now along came a little mouse and looked into the pit. The elephant saw him and said: “Man, you gotta help me here. They’re gonna cut off my tusks and sell them to Chinese guys to make those little balls within balls things.They’re gonna cut off my tail and use it for a fly swatter. They’re gonna cut off my feet, hollow them out and sell them to Italian interior designers. You gotta get me outta here.” The mouse said: “I can do that, but I’ve gotta go home first.” So he scurried off home, went into his grassage, tossed a length of chain into the trunk of his Mercedes Gelandewagen, backed it out and headed for the pit. He wrapped one end of the chain around his trailer hitch and tossed the other end into the hole where the elephant grabbed it. The mouse climbed into his G Class, dropped it into Lo-Lo and floored it. The elephant popped out of that hole like a squeezed watermelon seed. Mad joy ensued. They introduced themselves. Maurice and Stanley.Stanley promised to be Maurice’s wingman forevermore and they parted the best of friends.

    Time passed, as is its wont.

    It was twilight in the jungle. All the animals were following the path to the waterhole for a drink after the long hot day. Little did they know that the clever natives in a nearby village had dug a huge pit in the middle of the path and covered it over with bamboo and leaves so it was invisible. The animals just walked across it without suspecting anything. But here came the elephant. He noticed the disturbed earth around the hole, said, “Not this time, asshole,” and walked around it. Now here came the mouse, talking with his girlfriend on his cellphone (see Mickey thought she was fuckin’ Goofy, but it was actually Maurice). He wasn’t looking where he was going and fell right through the bamboo into the trap. Immediately he began squeaking for help but the other animals just looked in and passed by. Stanley, on his way back from the waterhole, heard the squeaking and looked in.”Maurice, is that you? What happened?” ” Aw,man,I was walking along, thinking about pussy, not watching where I was going and I fell right in. Can you get me out?” Stanley said, “I can do that, but I gotta go home first.” So he went home, dug his Elephantine Penthouse collection out from under his bed and returned to the pit. He started leafing through the mags and soon he began to develop an erection. It grew and grew until it was so big and long and heavy it drooped down to the bottom of the pit where Maurice hopped on and quickly ran up into daylight. Mad joy ensued again and after much back slapping and promises of eternal friendship, they parted and each went his own way.

    As befits such a long story, there are two morals here:

    1. If you’ve got a Mercedes, you don’t need a big dick.

    2. If you’ve got a big dick, you don’t need a Mercedes.

  • Andrew Williams

    So, as everyone knows, two different species (flavors) of cheerios cannot mate, right? That is, if one is honey-nut and another is blueberry, they cannot mate. Anyway, there is this one normal cheerio that is in love with a blueberry cheerio. Unfortunately, he cannot mate with her. He can’t even communicate with her because they are of different species. So, he invents a machine that changes all of his CNA (Cheerio DNA) into whichever type of cheerio that he wants. However, this machine performs a process that is extraordinarily painful, because that sort of thing would hurt. Anyway. He does it, and the normal flavored cheerio becomes a blueberry cheerio. Unfortunately, this girl cheerio hates him so much that she invents an identical machine and does the process on herself in order to become a cinnamon-apple cheerio, just so she can avoid this creeper. So, she does it. The boy cheerio is starting to get upset at this because he really wants her. So he tells himself that he will go through the pain for her, and becomes a cinnamon-apple cheerio. She then changes to a honey-nut cheerio! He decides that this is the last time that he will change cheerio type. He does it, and she changes one more time, into a normal cheerio – the kind he originally was. So he says out loud, “Okay, this is really the last time. If she changes again, I will just stay back with my family.” So he becomes a normal cheerio again, and she doesn’t change fast enough for him to put his moves on her. So, they start dating, and he finally asks her to the Formal Bowl (ahaha, get it, bowl instead of ball). Anyway, they get there and dance intensely for a few hours. Finally, they get tired and she sends the boy cheerio to the milk bowl (you know, since it’s a cereal dance, they have that and punch). He gets there and stands in line for ten minutes. Finally fed up at the really long line, he looks over at the bowl of punch and sees that there is no punch line

    • Tipsy

      Fuck you! 😉

  • anonymous

    Only joke I remember: A guy driving across country finds himself on a long, deserted road in the middle of nowhere. He gets a flat tire and discovers he has no jack in his trunk. He gets out of the car and starts walking. “Last Chance” Texaco is 20 miles back. After a few miles he starts thinking and talking to himself. “what if I walk all this way and the station is closed?”…after a few more miles…”what if I get to the station and the guy doesn’t have a jack?”…more miles…”he’ll probably charge me a hundred dollars just to use his jack”…”what if he has a spare jack but makes me walk back to my car?”…”what if I get to the station and he refuses to lend me his jack?”…Finally the guy reaches the gas station, walks in the door and yells “keep your f…ing jack” then storms out.

    • Tipsy

      If he was motivated to walk 20 miles I doubt he would just walk out.

  • Jerry Bradbury

    A penguin is driving through Arizona on his summer vacation when his car engine overheats and starts knocking. He manages to limp into a desert town and finds a gas station on its edge with a mechanic on duty. He relates the problem and the mechanic says he’ll take a look and see if he can find the problem. The penguin complains about the summer heat and asks if there is an ice cream parlor in town. The mechanic directs him to Patti’s Place of 15 flavors, right down the street. The penguin finds it, goes in and orders a dish of vanilla ice cream, his favorite. Being manually challenged (because he only has flippers) he makes a mess of eating it and gets ice cream all over his face. Returning to the gas station after his treat he finds the mechanic under his car on a creeper.

    “Find anything?”, he asks.

    The mechanic rolls out from under the car, looks up at him and says, “Looks like you blew a seal.”

    “No, no.” the penguin replies, “that’s just ice cream.”

  • Alex Fokas

    “Hey Grandma did you see my pills? There are small and have the letters ‘LSD’ on them”
    “Fuck the pills! Did you see the Green dragons in the kitchen?!?”

  • Whiting

    So, this guy walks into a bar and observes the smallest man he’s ever seen dressed in a tuxedo, sitting on top of one end of the bar playing a piano. He tells the bartender of his amazement at the sight, to which the bartender responds with a look of disgust while pointing over his shoulder at an antique lantern and mumbling “F@#$ing Genie!”

    The guy, now open to believing almost anything, begs to borrow the lantern for just one night. The next morning the man walks in while being trailed by a long like of quacking ducks that quickly fills the bar. He slams the lantern down on the bar and says “This Genie is deaf – I wished for a million BUCKS!” The bartender then says “Tell me about it! Do you think I wished for a 10-inch pianist!?”

  • Thomas Mattimore

    why did the lion win the race?

    cause he mufasa

  • Tipsy

    Tobias arrives at a house to pick up a someone’s daughter for a night out, father opens the door, Tobias speaks first:

    “Hello! My name is Tobias, and I’m here to take your daughter out dancing and to fuck her.”

    “To WHAT?”

    “Tobias.”

  • Thomas Kinsey

    One day I decided to burn some calories so I set a fat boy on fire.

  • LSM

    Now this one here…you gotta try to answer it first, so dont read the answer right away see.

    What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
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    He wiped his ass

  • the ultimate protascinator

    You can Blindfold a Chinese person with a string of dental floss

  • Lynn Davis

    There are two statues in a park. One male and one female. One day the Great Statue Fairy comes down from the sky and says to the two statues, “You two have been exemplary statues in this park for 45 years so I am going to give you 20 minutes of life. You may do as you please”. The two statues look at each other, smile and duck behind the bushes. The fairy can hear them rustling around, branches breaking, leaves crunching, giggling sounds and she knows she’s made them very happy. The two statues emerge from the bushes, disheveled and happy. The Statue Fairy says to them, “You still have 12 minutes left, are you sure you’re finished?” The two statues look at each other and the female statue says to the male statue, “This time you hold them down and I will shit on their heads”.

  • Tipsy

    How do you stop a toddler from running in circles?

    Nail its other foot to the ground.

  • jurek g

    Man says to doctor: “Doctor, I think my wife might be dead”
    Doctor to man: “What, you;re not sure?!”
    Man to doctor: “Well the sex is the same… but the dishes are piling up.”

  • David Sean Dufek

    A lady was sitting on the train with her baby, when a drunk got on the train and sat next to her, leaned over, and said “lady, that’s the ugliest baby I ever saw”.
    Well, the lady got upset, so she called for the porter. “Porter! Porter! This man has insulted me, and I want you to throw him off the train!”
    The Porter can’t throw people off the train, so the Porter said “Look lady, I’m sorry, the train is sorry, so I tell you what I’m gonna do. I’ll move this drunk to another car, bring you a hot cup of tea to soothe your nerves, and a banana for your monkey”.

    • Rusty Shackleford

      i lol’d.

  • Klicrai Stalder

    How do you catch a unique animal?

    …unique up on it.

    How do you catch a tame animal?

    …tame way.

  • Jeffery Thomas

    A guy is having sex with his girlfriend and stops dead in his tracks. “What are you doing?” she asks. “I saw this in a porn once. It’s called buffering.”

    • Rusty Shackleford

      well that definitely wouldn’t put a buffer on their relationship…

  • A monkey is sitting smoking a joint in a tree when a lizard walks past and sees him. The lizard says: “Hey monkey, can I come up and have a puff?”
    Naturally the monkey says yes so they spend the next while getting high as kites together. The lizard then gets terrible dry mouth, and tells the monkey he is going to the river to get a drink.
    When he gets there, he is so fucked that he falls into the river and starts to drown. The crocodile sees this and helps the lizard to the safety of the bank.
    The croc asks: “Lizard, what the hell is wrong with you?”
    The lizard replies: “I smoked some potent shit with the monkey, and no I can barely stand”
    The croc says: “that sounds good, let me go get some of that.” and walks off to the tree to find the monkey.
    When he arrives at the tree, the croc looks up and says to the monkey: “Hey monkey, can I get some of that weed?”
    The monkey looks down and say: “Hoooooooly shit, how much water did you drink?”

    • Jeff

      lmao,I read your joke like 5 time not understanding.Then i realized the monkey thought the lizrad was the croc and couldnt stop laughing.

  • Jeff Brown

    What do you call a midget fortune teller who escapes from prison?
    A small medium at large.

  • nobody

    life

    • Jeff

      couldn’t be more true

      • imwithstoopid

        Question was “best” not “biggest”……;D…..or perhaps the biggest is our congress……:(…

  • Walter

    What do you call it when Batman skips church?

    Christian Bale

  • 007

    Here’s a joke:

    What has a beginning and an end, but nothing in the middle?

    Life.

  • Jeby

    There’s a bar on top of a really, really tall building and it’s very windy outside. A guy walks into the bar and has some drinks and is there for a few hours. Another guy comes and sits next to him. The first guy who has been there for a while looks at the man and says to him, “You know that there is a nice breeze outside and if you jump out it will blow you right back in.”

    The second guy doesn’t agree and tells him to prove it. So, the first guy jumps out the window and comes soaring right back in. The second guy asks him to do it one more time. So, the first guy jumps out and the nice breeze takes him right back into the bar. At this time the second guy is starting to believe him and decides he needs to try this. He then jumps out and falls down to his death.

    The bartender turns to the first guy and says, “Superman, you are an asshole when you are drunk!!”

  • Katie

    How can you tell an extroverted engineer from an introverted engineer?
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    The extroverted engineer looks at YOUR shoes when he talks to you.
    .
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    I’m an engineer and this joke cracks me up.

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