The Bunny Manifesto

Is it weird to follow up a chilling post about the death tolls of the most horrible human tragedies with a post called The Bunny Manifesto?  Does it make this a kind of fucking weird website for Monday’s post thumbnail image to be a group of circles, each representing thousands of lives lost, and Thursday’s post to follow with a thumbnail of an obese rabbit staring blankly into the camera?
I’d like to offer an explanation for Wait But Why’s behavior, but there is none.  All I’ll say is that it’s this particular obese rabbit that got us into this situation in the first place:
I came across this photo during an unrelated google images search.  ”Oh look, a baby hippo,” I thought, and clicked to see a close-up, only to realize that it wasn’t a hippo, but a bunny.  Never did I imagine I’d mistake a bunny for a hippo, but there we were, face to face.
Things took a further turn downward, as I realized that the concept of a bunny confused me in general. Is a bunny the same thing as a rabbit?  How about a hare?  I decided to take it to google images.
The results were unsettling.
Not only was I confused about what a bunny is—and not only did google images turn out to be confused about what a bunny is—bunnies themselves are confused about what a bunny is.
Searching google images, first for bunnies, then for rabbits, and then for hares, led me down a bizarre road, through a motley crew of somewhat disturbing creatures of all different varieties.
It calls for a full exploration.  Get yourself settled in—I’m warning you now, this is gonna get weird.
Before we get going, I’d like to dispel three myths that were proven very wrong during this process:

Myth 1) Bunnies are normal looking.

Have a look at what I now know is a total anomaly in the bunny world—the normal-looking bunny:

This is what I always pictured when I imagined a bunny, and you should enjoy him for a second before I spend this post tearing apart your conception that this is what a bunny looks like.

It turns out that the above bunny is just a front.  It’s what bunnies hope you think they look like.  The troubling reality is that they far more often look about as normal as this:

This creature could easily pass for an alien in a science fiction movie.


Myth 2) Bunnies are cute.

 

Again, you probably think of a bunny being adorable, like this delightful little being.

False.  Most bunnies are about this level of cute:

 

Myth 3) Bunnies are likable.

 

I want you to look at this bunny:

Imagine what he’s like to be around.  Does he look playful?  Does he look like he’d be pleasant to hang out with?

No, he doesn’t.  He looks like a real dick.  He looks bitey, he looks self-involved, and he strikes me as a huge pain in the ass to spend time with.

When I see photos of dogs and cats, I usually want to play with them.  They’re on the same wavelength as humans.  But it’s impossible to picture a bunny bouncing over to the door excitedly when you get home or just being calm and self-aware like a cat.  The only two things I can picture a bunny being are scared and a dick.

So let’s just keep our expectations in the right place here.

Okay time to dive in.  We’ll start with a straightforward one:

This bunny isn’t a disaster like some of the others, but just compare him (I’m making them all male, just deal with it) to the “normal-looking bunny” up top.  The normal bunny looks like a normal expressionless animal.  This one looks like a hapless loser.  And animals aren’t supposed to look human adjectives, like hapless.  Yet bunnies look human adjectives all the time, as you’ll see.

One of the other things bunnies have the odd inclination to do is to look like other animals.  I’m not really sure why they think this is okay, but this behavior is rampant in the bunny community.  For example, this bunny is posing as a hamster:

This one is pretending to be a cat:

This one, a bulldog:

This bunny looks like a large rat on the verge of tears:

Kangaroo:

Stick a couple tusks in these two jowls and you’ve completed your fake walrus:

Here we have a miniature knockoff lion.  Borderline insane behavior.  But at least I’ll give it to him that it’s a pretty accurate depiction:

A less successful attempt:

This one read Where The Wild Things Are and decided to look like one of the characters.

This one looks like a bunny, which is refreshing.  But is he kidding with that fucking tongue?  Of course, bunnies can’t just have a normal tongue you’d think they’d have, it has to be an absurdly mini human-looking tongue.

Finally, we get to a pretty normal-looking, even cute, bunny—naturally, he ruins it by doing obnoxious air quotes:

Self-esteem doesn’t run at a premium in the bunny world, but this one takes the cake for having the lowest:

An emo bunny:

Someone out there bought a bunny, envisioning playing with something like this (clearly without checking google images first):

And couldn’t have been too pleased to end up here:

Here we have two of the eeriest-looking animals I have ever laid eyes on:

Imagine waking up in the middle of the night and the two of them are just there, in your room, in that exact pose, looking at you.  Horrifying.

Quick side note—so you know how sometimes you look at a word for long enough that it starts to just look weird, and wrong?  And you’re suddenly not sure how anything is spelled?  That’s how I feel right now about photos of bunnies.  I’ve been looking at so many of them that I’m now not even sure about anything anymore.  Like this little fellow here:

Right now, this looks fully like a little dog to me.  But I’m not sure if it actually looks like a normal bunny and I’m just so fucked up in the head that I can’t tell anymore.  Someone please let me know.

Continuing.  And what better way to continue than a meth addict bunny.

Here we have a full-fledged Wasp on his estate in Martha’s Vineyard.

Now we move onto the angriest animal I’ve ever seen.  Normal animals get angry in an animal way.  But this bunny is furious in a human way.  Again, not normal.

Here we have two bunnies posing as human grandparents, which would be odd enough without whatever the hell is happening with the brown one’s ear.

Honey Boo Boo’s mom:

Mean boarding school headmaster:

Your mom in the 70′s.  Just really not clear why a bunny would look like that.

This bunny’s pretty sure he regrets bringing this girl back to his apartment:

Now we’re getting into super weird territory.  Here is a legitimate British cartoon character bunny:

A bunny who forgot to stop being a fetus:

A fucking egg bunny.  I don’t even care anymore.

 

Oh for Christ’s sake. Really? You have one life, and this is what you’re bringing to the table? Moving on…

 

Sure, why the fuck not.  Nothing could surprise me at this point.

 

Congrats, cloud bunny.  I thought I had seen it all, and you go ahead and do this.  Enjoy your life.

Well I’d say that’s just about plenty for one day.  I’ll never think of bunnies the same again now that I know the grim reality, and I assume you won’t either.

I’ll leave you with a bunny that’s just fucking sick of being a bunny.  Understandably.

For an update on what these odd creatures are doing for the holidays, visit our holiday update.

And two other Wait But Why animal discussions:

The Primate Awards
Why Bugs Ruin Everything

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36 comments - jump to comment field »

  1. kim

    I’ve had bunnies my whole life, and people send me stupid bunny shit all the time. This one, this one, was pure gold.

    But I can assure you that they do run to meet you when you come home.

  2. Shana

    I’m dying from laughter. I only skimmed this because I’m at work, but I will go back tonight and really enjoy this. So funny!

  3. Pay me a visit and you will understand us bunnies in an instant.1 we are very complex animals,2 we are super smart,3 we have an awesome sense of humor,4 we are experts at disapproal,5 we rule the world you just don’t know it yet!
    and incase you’re wondering who I am….I am Speedy the Cheeky House Bunny a pirate and Bucaneer extrodinaire,and knight of the Queens Relm in the kingdom of Speedom that’s who!

  4. Helen Perry

    Hahahahaha….tooooo bunny funny. You’re a hoot…oh wait that’s an owl and I’m sure you could do a whole other post on them. I’ll leave you with that thought in mind.

  5. Anonymous

    I don’t understand why blog posts on this site keep getting attention. I wish I was in the target demo so I could be cool too :-/

  6. Anonymous

    all this hatred towards bunnies can mean only one thing. this bloke fancies bunnies!!!! yes we know now. your secrets out.

    great writing.

  7. Anonymous

    Would you say we have an Orwellian perception of bunnies/rabbits? Just like you, I don’t even know what a rabbit looks like anymore – they all look like other animals and I’m totally lost (see Animal Farm). Bugs Bunny is really Big Brother and I’ve been eating propaganda carrots my entire life.

  8. Anonymous

    Just remember they are nice to eat, who cares what expressions they have after you’ve cooked them (some like to eat the cheeks but I don’t like their starey cooked eyes on my plate)

  9. Anonymous

    This is hysterical! I’ve had many very sweet pet bunnies throughout my life. I’ve only had 1 really nasty one that we called ‘Bunicula’, we gave to a breeder and she calmed right down. Turns out she just needed to get laid!

  10. The cloud bunny is not real… (“is it?”) besides, how do u know its a bunny in there? it could be…….. a sheep?
    Anyway, the fetus bunny” is a lab experiment fail, 100 fuckg % sure.

    (Be careful with the hamster bunny”, I believe is a baby gremlin)

  11. Ok, I read about Lucy few weeks ago, thought it was a great analogy packed in a cute story, read the procrastination 1 and 2, felt completely identified, the gratification monkey lead me to your primate awards, I laughed so hard and now the bunnies totally cracked me up. Ah, thank you! You are hilarious…

  12. Meghan

    Who wrote this amazing piece of work?! I’m DYING to know. Being a crazy bunny lady myself, this is the most hysterical article I have EVER read. Hands down.

  13. Anonyrabbit

    The one that “forgot to stop being a fetus” — had its fur PLUCKED off, has it?

    Not so funny any more if that’s what happened.

  14. Karen

    my Instant Gratification Monkey has made me re-read this post 10 times in the last 2 days – so good, I don’t even care! Feed the monkey!

  15. Ashy

    The author of this seems to be a person who may enjoy a nice read about bunnies….check out “The Book of Bunny Suicides” =]

  16. Pingback: Thursday Thoughts | Happiness Starts Here

  17. Liung

    No you don’t even understand I have two bunnies and like 90% of this is legitimately correct. They absolutely do human emotions with creepy accuracy. I made the mistake of raising them on a gourmet food mix, and the day I tried to switch them to normal rabbit pellets… if looks could kill I’d be dead several times over. If they could speak they would have been swearing like tiny furry sailors. And you should see the crazy eyes the one gives me when she thinks I’m about to give her medicine.

    Also I recently rescued a lop who was raised in total isolation from other rabbits, and before her owner began to neglect her, she spent the majority of her time with two small dogs. As a result, I don’t know what she thinks she is but it’s not a rabbit.

    Sometimes it’s a dog–instead of hopping like a normal rabbit she tries to walk like a dog, except with bunny feet it turns into a waddle. Sometimes it’s a cat–she likes to jump up onto the back of the couch, on top of a pile of boxes, onto the cabinets, into the cupboards, but she doesn’t have a tail for balance. And she will absolutely sit on your laptop/paperwork if you aren’t paying attention to her. She will jump up onto the couch or table and sit on your work, and shove her whiskers in your face.

    My other rabbit, he will play fetch (though he does the throwing and I do the fetching, actually) and tug of war. That’s how I trick him into eating his medicine: I smear the paste on a stick and then play tug of war with it.

    And if you REALLY want an emo bunny… google image “hotot”

    WHY YES THOSE RABBITS DO IN FACT HAVE NATURAL EYELINER.

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