The Most Depressing Buzzfeed Article of All Time

Here I am, working on my post and trying to figure out if AI is going to let me live forever or make everyone dead—and someone sends me this Buzzfeed article. There are some things that call for a work stoppage, and this is one of them.

The title of the article is 20 Slightly Incorrect Names For Food. The kind of thing your friend sends you and you click on it and read the title and then you’re just like, “Ahh FUCK. Okay fuck let’s scroll down through this whole thing now.” So I started scrolling. Let’s discuss (my thoughts in blue)—

1. Milk snakes

PhotoObjects.net / Getty Images

Okay so the author, Joanna Borns, has started off by taking a name of a food and changing one of the words to an unrelated word that happens to rhyme. It’s unrelated, right? Unless she’s suggesting that the straws resemble snakes? But that can’t be what’s happening, right? I’m probably missing something—let’s move to the next one.

2. Cheese quake

Hemera Boris Ryzhkov / Getty Images
Okay so it’s confirmed. Joanna Borns has been commissioned by the biggest website in the world to take normal food and change one word to an unrelated word that happens to rhyme.
Time for a scrolldown to see how many of these there are. 
There are 20 of these. Now I’m leaning forward, suddenly fascinated that this is a thing that’s happening.

3. Cinderella steaks

iStockphoto Mark Stout / Getty Images
Interesting. So here, Borns goes a different direction, replacing Mozzarella with Cinderella, presumably because the latter syllables of the two words match. She could have let it go there, but she decides to also change “sticks” to “steaks,” a word that doesn’t rhyme but just kind of sounds the same.
I’m taking a few seconds here to think hard about this. Is there some big thing I’m missing? Is there cheese in the story Cinderella and I’m forgetting? Are all these super clever references and it hasn’t clicked yet and once it does I’ll be like “Ohhhhh okay”? Still not sure.

4. Buffalo things

iStockphoto Jack Puccio / Getty Images
Buffalo Things. So Borns is back to the “change one word to an unrelated word that happens to rhyme” thing. It’s like she went out of the box on item 3 and then decided to get ahold of herself and go back to the original plan.

5. Pen cakes

iStockphoto Marie Fields / Getty Images
Alright here we’re just changing the word pan to pen and calling it a day. She worked hard to get a job at Buzzfeed, right? You have to work hard to be a Buzzfeed writer, but then she gets there and she writes Pen Cakes for #5 and just moves on to the next one.

6. Egg bean & dip

iStockphoto Marshall Turner / Getty Images
This one took me a minute. She’s also blurring the lines a bit here. When we were on Cheese Quake and Pen Cakes, Borns made it clear she’d feel no obligation for the changed word to have anything to do with food or the object at hand. But now she’s getting closer to a relevant word—hollandaise is almost dip. Just noting.

7. Peanut boy and jaleel

iStockphoto Jack Puccio / Getty Images
Borns is officially bored. Earlier in the project, she would have said something like “Peanut Butter and Deli” or “Peanut Cutter and Jelly” and kept things in line. But here she changes butter to boy, which is literally her just picking a b-word with no guidelines at all, and then she goes insane and changes jelly to jaleel. Is she dabbling in casual racism? I can’t tell. All we do know is that she apparently felt that “Peanut boy and jaleel” was satisfactory and moved on.

8. Pringles

iStockphoto Raimondas Pocius / Getty Images
Here Borns has taken one food and replaced it with the name of another food that kind of sounds the same. I have a ton to do right now btw.

9. Hum bungalo

iStockphoto zokru / Getty Images
I’ve never seen anything cockier than Borns right now. She took “hamburger,” changed a vowel, and then erased “burger” and replaced it with a random b-word. No one has ever given less of a fuck.

10. Peppertony pizzzazz

iStockphoto NicholasBPhotography / Getty Images
As we hit the midway point, Borns shits on our faces by changing Pepperoni Pizza to Peppertony Pizzzazz. There are no rules here. I’ve been trying to hold onto any semblance of structure I could but there’s nothing at all to hold on to. She added a man’s name into the first word, kind of, and then just rejects everything in the world by putting three Z’s in a row in the second word. I’ve lost. Borns has won.

11. Not bones

iStockphoto pilipphoto / Getty Images
If I were in a restaurant, and I ordered Pen Cakes, the waiter and I might have a chuckle and he’d bring me my pancakes. But if I ordered Not Bones, the waiter wouldn’t think that was a cute play on the word nachos, he wouldn’t know what the fuck I was talking about. Not a factor for Borns.

12. Blumbos

Fuse Fuse / Getty Images
Tens of thousands of adults just arrived at #12, read the word “Blumbos,” and that’s part of their day now, because Borns doesn’t believe in anything.

13. French friends

iStockphoto margouillatphotos / Getty Images
You know we’ve reached a dark point when my standards have become so groundbreakingly low that I see that the author has changed French Fries to French Friends and I think, “Oh that’s actually a decent one.”

14. Salmon

Wavebreak Media Wavebreakmedia Ltd / Getty Images
The woman in the picture probably isn’t Joanna Borns. But that’s exactly what I think she looks like right now as she’s typing these titles. She changes Salad to Salmon, a change that has no meaning or purpose, and then immediately takes a huge bite of salad while she stares at the reader with that face on.

15. Choice plate

iStockphoto Atide / Getty Images
The worst thing about this is the people reading this article who are aspiring writers and would love a chance to write for Buzzfeed. Behind the browser they’re reading this article on is a Word doc of the funny, insightful article they spent the last month carefully working on—an article they hope can catch the world’s attention. Meanwhile, the world’s attention is on a cheese plate—one that has been renamed Choice plate.

16. Mega roni & cheats

iStockphoto rez-art / Getty Images
I have nothing more to say about this article and neither do you.

17. Shhhhh

iStockphoto Kosin_Sukhum / Getty Images
Borns is a bully. She’s bullying the readers and she’s bullying Buzzfeed. Instead of coming up with a title for sushi, she literally writes Shhhhhh in the same voice as that Nazi character in Saving Private Ryan as he slowly stabs the good guy through the chest. 

18. Bong paquito

iStockphoto CharlieAJA / Getty Images
The only ray of light is I’m sensing that while making it as clear as possible to every person reading this article that they’re a loser, Borns has inadvertently defeated herself too. There’s no way she felt good about writing Bong Paquito here. No winners will emerge from this.

19. Spagine & meats

iStockphoto Edster1980 / Getty Images
Ohhh yeah she fucking hates herself right now. That swagger just deflated out of the room in the last two items.

20. Talking

iStockphoto Magone / Getty Images
In one of the darkest moments in human history, Borns finishes by changing Taco to Talking, literally ending everyone’s life forever. 
And now, with a permanently lower level of self-esteem, I’ll try to get back to work.
  • Tim

    I absolutely refuse to click the link to the original article.

    • your mama

      This is appalling. Even your comments didn’t make it less so.

  • Emma

    Ahahahaha this killed me

  • John Matthew

    What a surprise! earlier today I saw the buzzfeed article, and I was wondering whatever the heck had happened to the post author, and now here I see the review on WBW! made my day lol

  • Erwin

    Wow, you’ve posted the first article that I just couldn’t finish and it isn’t even really your fault. No matter how witty and spot-on your comments were, after a few I just couldn’t stand the terror of knowing that such an article as Borns here exists somewhere on the internet. I always thought the internet was a nice place.

  • ethibeaux

    This is why we can’t have nice things.

  • Honestly, I like this more than the majority of Buzzfeed content (which is not at all). The stupidity in the article has been turned up to max, which is sort of beautiful in a way. Haha. I’m definitely not saying I enjoyed it or that it was worth a moment of my time though.

  • Jen

    I was filled with an unholy rage at the fact that Borns’ article was, in fact, a Thing: when it should never have even been conceived of, let alone given Thinghood status. But then Tim made it all better. And now my neck hurts. Shhhhhhhhhhh……..

  • OedipusPrime

    This is another of her articles: http://www.buzzfeed.com/joannaborns/did-you-sex-these-peeps#.ar3J074YX

    I’m pretty sure she’s just gradually ensuring that BuzzFeed actually becomes ClickHole.

  • Ramon

    I think this was your funniest post yet. At least something great came of the Buzzfeed article.

  • Gang$ta

    Buzzfeed is f*#king retarded! Not once have I seen something on there that I actually remember being useful or informative..

  • Thank you for that Tim – I was at one point literally laughing so hard I was crying. Which normally wouldn’t be a problem, except that I was reading this while killing time on hold with my phone company. Thus by #14 I had no choice but to physically walk away from my computer out of fear that at any second the customer service rep would come back on the line, hear me laughing manically, and hang up on me thus nullifying the 20 min I had just invested waiting on hold! 🙂

  • Alain Chautard

    Wow now that’s depressing. Your comments made it fun and almost bearable but still I wanted to stop at #8… AI does look extremely promising now that the bar was set so low!

  • Carolina

    Maybe she’s trying to get fired from Buzzfeed? It’s the only logical explanation!

    • PinkTheBush

      No, I think it’s clear she’s blackmailing someone into giving her work, but they’re getting the last laugh by dumping crazy article pitches on her desk.

    • livesinsfo

      Fired? We all clicked on her article, because of this article. Now everyone is talking about how awful her article is and sharing it, and laughing at it, and talking about it with even more people.

      I think she probably just got a raise and a promotion. I would expect more articles like this one to be popping up in the very near future.

  • Ed H

    Anybody for a Bay Cone Sand Wedge?

  • Will Rutledge

    Go work at Starktrucks! Those Batistas get the same buzz this oracle gives by changing pupils manges.

  • her twitter page (https://twitter.com/robotics) says she’s a contributor to TheOnion so I’m almost positive this was supposed to be a submission to Clickhole, but was sent either to or from the wrong e-mail

  • Sam Nada

    So you came across a depressing article and decided to pass it along? I’m seriously questioning my subscription to your posts, which until now have been informative. That’s one strike…

    • LQA

      Oh no!

    • No man, read the comments 🙂

    • LPJames

      No, no his comments are gold.

  • Beth

    I saw this post on Buzzfeed the other day and I was so confused at its inanity. Thank goodness you explained it. I kept thinking the whole time I was missing something, that it couldn’t possibly be as stupid as it truly is.

  • Dwayne
  • I iz a person.

    I have to go die in a corner. Bye.

  • RobinLinAZ

    Why do you care?! Ignore it, it will go away. But you didn’t and so now look…proof that what you focus on expands.

  • Libby H

    For a moment I thought the author was humorously reviving Cockney Rhyming Slang, but, no.

    • Cahow

      My husband is Scottish and that’s the first thing I thought of, too. But, sadly, the delusional original author doesn’t have a Scooby. 😉

  • Ethan

    Joanna’s fave soft drink is Joke-Ebola

  • Fledder

    Well, at least the Buzzfeed article will answer a lot of questions in your AI article. Like, human-like AI has been passed decades ago, and yes super IQ AI will kill us all.

  • J

    Okay–I’m reading your article, blown away by the insanity of the Buzzfeed piece, when I get to #16 and truly begin to wonder if she ripped off this YouTube video: http://youtu.be/QBP-CScCPyc

    It’s within the realm of possibility, right?!

  • Adam

    Love you Tim, but I’m with miss Bones on this one. That was hilarious. She must’ve been high as a balloon when she wrote that. Shhhhhh. Don’t be hatin’ on Bones.

    • HP McLovincraft

      were y’all huffing paint with Sarah Palin?

      • Adam

        Everyone seems to go crazy like they expect Buzzfeed to be the New York times. It’s a stupid article with stupid jokes and that’s why its trending. Because that’s what people want. That is why Playbuzz and Buzzfeed are the most shared websites on Facebook. Now how’s that as a depressing thought.

        • HP McLovincraft

          that’s mighty damn depressing, but y’know, Facebook. ’nuff said.

          (ever seen the ‘popular on Facebook’ netflix queue?)

  • HP McLovincraft

    somehow Buzzfeed managed to outdo its usual levels of arch-stupidity. ugh. this is migraine inducing.

  • 3DAnimator

    This list sounds like the results I’d get back if I tried to search for those foods using the voice recognition on my phone.

    • Cahow

      BEST comment on this thread! I know EXACTLY what you mean. 😀

    • Artyom Karapetov

      If not cannabis, THAT must have been her inspiration.

  • Xerxes

    The only good that can come of this is if it replaces the image of Tub Girl in my brain.

    …nope. That’s two fails in a row now.

  • Jamie

    I love so much how you can blow my mind one week and make me laugh hysterically the next. WBW forever.

  • pluggyboy

    whilst that was simply brilliant and had me crying laughing, please now get back to AI part 2. We need to know if we’re all gonna die.

  • jasvisp

    Thank you for this hilarious article on a rather dreary day. Couldn’t stop laughing at your comments!

  • Michael Pitts-Campbell

    Wait But Why did you waste five minutes of my time for this froshomoric piece of trash (not to mention the time YOU spent recording your responses?

    • PinkTheBush

      Taking a gander around the site will show you not articles are as heavy and rich as the Fermi and AI ones. Sometimes they’re just silly, satirical diversions. I don’t think WBW has ever claimed to be an exclusive source of mind-blowing, existential-crisis-inducing content; it’s a pit stop to take a load off and explore a writer’s personal interests and ruminations. And that’s why we love it.

      • Jay Mullen

        Exactly. People who think edgy, low-brow satire is offensive aren’t on the right site. Just like people who think deep, mind-twisting, exploration is too serious aren’t on the right site.

      • Paul Tager

        Bingo. The thing that makes Wait But Why unique is that it makes me pace around pulling my hair half in despair, half totally inspired. Then five days later it makes me piss my pants laughing at how weird bunnies are.

      • Taylor

        So true. Amen to that.

  • Ghaith

    I bet Artificial Narrow Intelligence doesn’t seems so dumb after reading this.

  • Sarah Wilson

    This is amazing. You say all of our words.

  • d

    thank you for the giggle – that was hilarious. As for the originator of the nouvelle noms de plumes – per chance mayhaps some drugs were involved somewhere, or, you know, some special mushrooms, or some such thing?

  • D

    Brilliant. Its about time Aubergine Intellipants take over and we all die.

  • wobster109

    You know what would fit right in at Buzzfeed? Last words of presidents. Pretty pretty please!

  • You shared it though. The internet wins. Either that or we’re all losers here. Mmmm… cheese quake…

  • Dan

    You didn’t exactly improve it… I like almost all of your stuff, but calling out other people’s work, no matter how shitty it is, is pretty rude. And to dedicate a whole post on it is just piggy backing on the original post. If you really felt the need to tell the world about this random buzz feed article, a tweet would have been fine :/

    • Jay Mullen

      The point wasn’t to call attention to the article. It was to make us laugh. I wouldn’t have rolled around laughing for 5 minutes with a Tweet.

  • Sia

    I laughed so hard I cried! :))) Tim you rock my online world!

  • Ian

    I am looking forward to the followup post in which you reveal that the author of said article is actually not human, but AI developed by Buzzfeed…

    • DeeDee Massey

      Even before I got to “pen cakes” I was like “Meh” & I started skimming down the article. Maybe I missed something brilliant, but I caught your comment & so far it’s the best part. 😉

  • Painths

    Tim – I mimicked your responses for the first part . . . and was really, really sad that I had become a Dose doofus . . . but was uplifted instead by your response. (Which I read through to the end.) Thank you thank you thank you. Hugs, MP.

  • Innocent Bystander

    WTF! WT absolute F!!!

  • ella

    Some of those items, like pen cakes, just sound like an Australian reading a menu. Not even original.

    But if it wasn’t for your take Tim, I probably would have just thought it was a completely stupid waste of cyberspace. It’s actually kinda funny now.

  • I tried to understand the first three, gave up on the Cinderella Steaks, whizzed down a bit slowing for the pizza, which was terrible, then scrolled down quickly, stopped for a second on the salad, and closed the tab.

    It was a bittersweet article but I literally gave a lol at “…if I ordered Not Bones, the waiter wouldn’t think that was a cute play on the word nachos, he wouldn’t know what the fuck I was talking about.”

    The word Bong on number 18 where she’s admitted losing the plot is pretty telling of the circumstances that probably brought about this article!

  • swagv

    For years now, I’ve refuse to read anything on Buzzfeed as a matter of policy. I will never get those minutes of my life back.

  • Vanilla_F

    Hahaha! You’re the best Tim! Laughing quietly through your comments in my office desk 🙂

  • Jessica S. Ornelas

    Well, to be fair, Buzzfeed is not known for its quality. This is something not even Clickhole would be so random about.

  • JJ

    To everyone who “doesn’t get it”: I promise you, that’s the point. There’s nothing to get. I work for an Internet company with a similar sense of humor. We have at least a dozen Joanna Borns. By making fun of the Buzzfeed listicle format and *~*NoT tRyInG*~* to be funny, these humor writers are bravely holding a mirror up to society and mocking the fluff content we all devour and share on Facebook. Personally, I can’t stand this sort of meta-humor. I like my funny to be, ya know, actually funny. I guess Buzzfeed is trying to prove that they’re self-aware? It’s all very Taylor Swift. But rest assured that Jess Borns is laughing her butt off reading the comments from everyone who “doesn’t get it.” It’s all quite maddening. The 2010s suck.

    • jaime_arg

      I hope you’re right because “it’s meta” is the only explanation that doesn’t make me want to shoot myself.

      • Sen_Mok

        That explanation kind of does make me want to shoot myself…

        When the AI do take over, I hope that they don’t inherit this pathological inability to be sincere. I’m so sick of mocking self-awareness. I assume that Urban’s post was actually self-aware and he was just playing around by pretending to not be self-aware of Borns’ own self-awareness. At some point someone should actually mean what they say, I guess… …I’m not even sure if I do anymore. Fuck it, whatever.

        • JJ

          Couldn’t agree with you more. It’s like “Inception” levels of self-awareness. I bet Tim was in on the joke too. But still. Isn’t it so exhausting? I miss sincerity too.

    • Dana

      JJ IS right. I actually know the author (acquaintances), and I must say – she got everyone pretty good on this one. As a little context – she used to write for the Onion.

  • Cahow

    Tim. I adore you! I’m so glad that you are the new kid on the block that calls out the Emperor(ess) and cries, “Hey, Moron! You’re butt nekkid!” or more to the point, “Hey, Moron, Joanna! You’re insane!”

    Please take the time to go to BuzzFeed and read the wonderfully hateful and angry comments concerning Joanna and her useless articles. I’ve never been to BuzzFeed before and won’t go again, but, I thought that ther original article would have “type” below the photos, as your article did. Nope, it’s just photos of food and “Baschizzel” for their name. Many, many people are so fed up with her that they contacted the editorial department; I’m proud to say I was one of them.

    Take a bow, Tim, for writing articles that are worth my time and for calling out this silly non-sense. 😀

  • Crazy Sane Guy

    So, doesn’t anyone else think it’s obvious that she was super-high when “writing” this? And/or is completely insane?

    • Cahow

      Of course she was high; she had eaten from the infamous “BONG paquito!”

  • Kristensusa

    This is the closest I’ve come to reading Buzzfeed, and I hope I never
    get closer. Of course, you are responsible for making me read the whole
    inane “article”, but I always read your posts. Hence, my need to now put
    a pencil through my head. Thanks for that! ;0

  • Big Fan

    This article was hilarious and right on point. Thanks for the laughs!

  • putting commentary on incredibly bad things is always fun 😀

  • Margling53

    This is how stupid I thought Millenials were before I met your blog, Tim. I am a crabby old person and I thank you for giving me renewed faith.

    • Zealberber

      Best comment of all!

  • Benderdundat

    Reading that stupid weird food name game tempts me to unsubscribe. Don’t waste our time like that. It cheapens you.

  • Lyla

    “Borns is a bully” = funniest thing I’ve ever read on the internet.

    • mag00

      Agreed, I actually laughed out loud when I read that part lol

  • jaime_arg

    I understand that you must be furious that she gets credit for something stupid like this while you slave away on lengthy articles, but you’re kind of stooping to her level by doing this while also sounding a bit resentful.
    We still like you, though.

    • Vic Vic Vic

      Eh sounded more like he was having fun satirizing it than taking it seriously and resenting it. Think you misread the tone.

      • jaime_arg

        I don’t know, he wouldn’t go through this much trouble if he were just laughing at her, would he? His own words: “I have a ton to do right now btw”
        Take me for example. The only reason I turned on the PC a while ago was to comment on a couple of articles, and I wasn’t exactly happy about them.

        • Brendan Maclean

          Rage writing can be very therapeutic you know.

          • jaime_arg

            SHUT UP BRENDAN.
            Wow, you’re right, it is therapeutic.

        • Vic Vic Vic

          It’s a comedy post, written for comedy. That includes the hilarious comment, “I have a ton to do right now btw.” That’s one of the jokes. The entire thing was satire, you’re taking it too literally.

  • jaime_arg

    Also, did you have to pay to use the photos she used? That’s a lot of effort for a non-article about a non-article.

  • The_Postindustrialist

    http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/netflix-you-gotta-watch#.pekEEoJBj1
    Another posted today by another staff member, meaning another paid writer.

    This, however isn’t the worst offense..Pew research did a report
    (here: http://www.journalism.org/interactives/media-polarization/outlet/buzzfeed/ ) of news sources and how it relates to our political leanings.

    Buzzfeed was listed as a “new source” (though only 4% of respondents seemed to use it.)

    How does a site producing that get listed as a source for news!?!?!?!?!

  • Raineer

    I think you missed the interpretation on #6, “Eggs bean and dip” is “Eggs Benedict”

    I feel horrible for helping the original author 🙁

    • Kate

      I’d never have guessed that?! Where the hell is the connection?!!!

  • mag00

    Like… what?

    • Get used to it

      Buzzfeed has announced (to its readers) that it thinks its readers are nothing more than click-monkey brainless ad-revenue-generators, that’s what.

  • Wait but why not?

    To all those saying “writing an article about it is a stupid waste of time, I’m so much better than that etc.”: Tim wrote it because that’s what his job is. Have you noticed that this blog is kinda all about commenting on different aspects of these crazy times we live in? He’s pointing out how effed up the internet is getting. Because that’s the kind of stuff he’s interested in. Duh.

  • Joyillus

    You sir, are an awesome writer, forget any other magazine, your blog is just… You know that Italian expression of “buenisimo” when the person kisses their hand in an attempt to express how good the food was? Well… That’s the expression I make every time I finish reading your articles (including the blue pop-up boxes).

    You are awesome.

  • saritamar

    Oh man, I hope someone in her vicinity made sure she didn’t have stroke. Because that’s what it seems like.
    PS loving Wait But Why.

  • yev

    Buzzfeed just hired an editor from Clickhole, which explains this article. They are out to get more clicks, in any absurd way possible. So calm down, everyone.

    http://www.poynter.org/news/mediawire/305021/buzzfeed-hires-clickholes-daniel-kibblesmith/

  • Nikos Papakonstantinou

    Up until 5 minutes ago, I thought that the apex of insulting, mind-numbing stupidity was any Minaj video. This post has proven me wrong. Kudos for that.

  • Sen_Mok

    I had a girlfriend who used to do this kind of thing with mundane names. Had.

  • Frank

    I don’t know what to say about this Buzzthing, but this has to be the biggest pile of cattle excrement I’ve ever read.

    What did she intend to do? Not trying to be funny I hope, because she’s NOT. Then again it’s not witty, doesn’t seem to have any hidden meaning…. so what does she want?. Insulting the intelligence of her readers (if that is possible regarding the ‘quality’ of the other writings on that site), or is it a clandestine act to sabotage Buzzfeed?

    Deeply disgusted with humanity now….

  • Roland Henkema

    this minipost is completely superflous. continuing like this will make you loose subscribers soon. it is so bad that there might be a secret plan behind it which is hopefully revealed soon…. greets from berlin

    • Francie

      Laughing at this post made my week and I forwarded it to my two brothers, who both subscribed. So they’ll lose some subscribers and gain some more. The world of blogging.

      • Roland Henkema

        hello francie, tims’ site is (in my humble opinion) not a site you would subscribe to because it is a “funny site”.
        tim will probably busy himself with serious stuff again and then your brothers might be in for a disappointment and go. the world of blogging 🙂
        i just wonder what made him write this post – its quality and relavance is way beyond the other stuff on the site.
        by the way, it is not all serious here, i give you that. try the articles about teenagers and tipping….

  • jesze

    You told me you only send 1 news letter per week. This is a breach of trust and to add insult to injury the letter was so lame that im thinking about taking you to court to sue you for the couple minutes of life i wasted. Please don’t do this again.

  • Kate

    So, I wait all week for AI part 2 and all i get is Shhhh for Sushi? Seriously?! Not cool, Tim, not cool! More not cool for whoever the author of that buzzfeed is… I absolutely refuse to learn her name! She doesn’t deserve it. At all.

  • Rex Stocklin

    See, in the word world there are things called eggcorns (and like Grape
    Nuts, they contain neither egg nor corns). These are misheard
    words/phrases made popular by the likes of Archie Bunker & Virginia
    Chance in scripted TV & Norm Crosby in real life. Sorta.) You may
    know them as malaprops, but fancy linguists just LOVE to adorn verbal
    phenomena with cool nomenclature not commonly uttered in households.

    My point being, I think this spotlight shone into bleakness by Tim cries out for a new verbal category: hosannacorns (get it, they rhyme…get it? I knew that you would)

  • (Used to be) Wait but Why fan

    Tim…Why? Just why did you betray us? Borns is obviously high and blowing her editor so that she is permitted to publish this crap. But now you’ve dragged your loyal readers through this waste of time. Can I ever trust you again?

    • Artyom Karapetov

      lol don’t take it so seriously… though… I agree with you.

  • Rena

    Tim, as much as I love you and your snarky-yet-funny comments, I JUST CANNOT PROCEED.
    I think 8 year olds display more maturity in the playground in speech. No, just, NO.
    10 minutes of thought would’ve resulted in much better listicles. (Still hate ’em).
    I try to respect internet authors, bloggers and contributors and their work but articles like these just make me lose faith in digital media!

    BTW Tim, you typed CINDARELLA in blue instead of, well, Cinderella.

    Scrolling through this was painful 🙁 Next time just condense it all into a box and save us from this torture; my IQ just dropped by 20 points.

  • su

    Well, I think she got exactly what she wanted. You’ve made her the talk of the day…not bad for a dumb broad without an idea for a column.

  • chris

    check out her other articles. they are equally unsettling.

  • Dana

    What you don’t understand is that she is trolling all of us with that article. That’s her job. And you fell for it. But as a result, your readership is harassing Joanna. Might I remind you that she is a person who was hired to get clicks. And she did it by fooling assholes like you into thinking she’s for real.

    • David

      If she was hired specifically to mock readers by putting out trolling articles, I highly doubt she’s bothered or surprised by being criticized by WBW readers (or the thousands of other people I’m sure “harass” her about her work every day).

      • Jen

        Dana said below that she’s friends with the Buzzfeed author. I wonder if she has a biased point of view here.

  • Daniel Lowe

    Clickbait, Journalism is Truly Dead, Closing Window Now.

    • Charles Steak

      Whoah, a time traveler from the late 80s.

  • Bob Roach

    I really thought this was just a very clear and obvious response from the secret ‘singularity’ in response to your revelations from last week’s ‘future of AI’ piece.

    The clues are all there — Joanna Borns i just a small tweak away from ‘Join a Borg’.

    And when you cross those names you almost certainly get ‘Björn’, a deceptively tricky reminder that the singularity is based in Switzerland (which we’re always confusing with Sweden, right?), underground and in plain sight — within the so-called ‘LHC’ facility. (“Leave Humanity Confused).

    You’ve tripped their detection algorithm my friend*, so watch your back.

    Somewhere out there is a Higgs boson with your name on it!

    *(Or should I say, ‘fries-end’?)

    For those with bigger tin foil supply then myself, I offer more encrypted messages which I discovered from her online writing resume posted as ‘samples’ from Ms. Borg, er… Borns. The truth is indeed out there (and there has to be at least 16 different ways to find it):

    BuzzFeed
    – The 25 Most Depressing Nail Polish Color Names Of All Time
    – Life In Your Twenties Vs. Life As A Fetus
    – 17 Inspirational Sayings That Are Actually Realistic
    – 12 Recipes Everyone Needs For Romance
    – What Arbitrary Thing Are You?
    – The 16 Least Useful DIY Projects Of Pinterest
    – What Food Matches Your Personality?

    The Hairpin
    – What It Sounds Like Your Coworker’s Eating: A G-Chat Log
    – An Open Letter Of Resignation From Sideboob

    The Huffington Post
    -The Justin Timberlake Translator
    – Are You Justin Bieber? (a chart)
    – Starbucks’ REAL Secret Menu
    – 11 Reasons Some Guy Stole Obama’s Teleprompter
    – Every Celebrity Looked Like A Couch At Met Gala
    – 11 Types Of Women Men Don’t Want To Date
    – Quiz: Train Lyrics Or Thing We Just Made Up?

  • Scott Pedersen

    Is it possible for a website to develop expressive aphasia? Perhaps Buzzfeed is having a stroke or something.

  • Scott Pedersen

    Also, the article is disappointing in that it doesn’t rise to the heights of some of Joanna Borns’ previous works like “The 56 Worst Possible Times To Fart” or the “What Kind of Garbage Are You?” quiz.

    • Artyom Karapetov

      You got me choking on sandtwitch with laughter.

    • Andaco

      You haven’t read: Which Letter From The Title Of “Frozen” Are You, quiz. Seems to be written by Faulkner.

  • Mechelle B

    Hah! Maybe the purpose was to make people hungry! The food pics looked kinda good. But yea shame that was published, made no sense.

  • I’m Supposed to be studying!

    I’d like to know how to make my bacon curly like on the bong paquito. Seems like I might need to cook some bacon now. Mmmmm bacon!

  • Value

    This is what every episode of “Tim & Eric” I have ever watched is like to me.

  • LMAO

    Tim’s comments + this unbelievably terrible article = the funniest shit I’ve seen in a LONG time. I was literally LOL’ing like a lunatic at work. Ah well, shit’s good!

  • Windfall

    You are the best writer on the web right now and this article, juxtaposed with the scary looming AI article, made me lose it and unable to do anything besides die laughing and totally give away that I wasn’t doing work.

    • Windfall

      PS I accidentally posted this glowing praise on the Buzzfeed article at first. 🙂 OOPs, cringe.

  • Rodrigo Gomes

    Are WBW and Buzzfeed some kind of arch enemies ?

  • Zack

    This reminds me of the “humor” on Groupon. Just totally nonsensical and painful to read.

  • Atman Gotango

    “Borns” should have been “Aborted”

    okay all jokes aside…. i have to think she was trolling. hard.

  • Nathan

    Funny woman makes funny internet thing, unfunny man with nothing to add adds unfunny prose to it anyway

    • Jimmy

      What did you find funny about it?

      If it’s meant to be a parody of Buzzfeed’s usual articles, then that might be a fair explanation, but if you want to see that sort of thing done much better, try clickhole.com

      • Sage

        She actually writes for the onion as well, you know. It’s a joke, literally a joke, guys.

    • Barry

      Annoying woman makes unfunny article, funny man adds funny commentary to it, strange commenter writes opposite of what happened.

    • Jebmak

      How about: Person writes something purposefully terrible in an attempt to be funny and fails (regardless of anything else good that she has written). Other person writes comments about how terrible it is, but sadly that doesn’t make it less terrible (regardless of anything else good that he has written).

  • John C

    I only came here to read the next part of the AI article!
    Now get back to work and stop being distracted by random shizz.
    Keep it up 🙂

  • Carol Hoffmeister

    Only one person can rename food items. And it’s a fictional character in Parks and Recreation, Tom Haverford.

  • DeeDee Massey

    This is just a ploy to get us to click on Buttsfiend artcles.

  • Aida

    You may have lost some first timers to ybw

  • ana

    maybe she was high? seems like the only plausible explanation

  • Just Maybe

    This is exactly the way a toddler learning to talk might label things. To my daughter (as a toddler) balogna was “blah me”. Vanilla (as in ice cream) was “Buh na na”, so I kept giving her bananas when she really wanted ice cream. Pissed her off. When telling a toddler I was babysitting what I was eating and asked her if she wanted to taste the guacamole, she replied with, ” No, I not like chocolate moldy”.

  • William Watson
  • Nancy Hartunian

    Has it occurred to anyone else that “Johanna Borns” is really an AI experiment that’s gone terribly wrong?

  • jjtomberlin

    I love you, Tim Urban

  • Hannah Cairns

    Wait, okay, listen, I’m getting to a point in my life where I can’t tell if someone is serious or making an extremely subtle and funny joke. Are you joking? You, Tim, I mean?

    Are you poking fun at the kind of person who would react with extreme agitation and derision to things like “slightly wrong names for food” or Ogden Nash’s poetry or other kinds of nonsense, or did you write this article in total seriousness — no, I mean, there’s no way, right? I mean, I think you’re being cruel to the human race with this! I don’t think there’s a human being who’s really that far gone.

    …You are joking, right?

    Only all the commenters seem to be totally serious…

    • Hannah Cairns

      (Like “I sit in an office at 244 Madison Avenue
      And say to myself You have a responsible job havenue?
      Why then do you fritter away your time on this doggerel?
      If you have a sore throat you can cure it by using a good goggeral,
      If you have a sore foot you can get it fixed by a chiropodist…”

      Or indeed “To make the matter more succinct:
      Suppose my fellow man extinct.
      Why, who would not approve the plan
      Save possibly my fellow man?”)

  • Aru

    Holy frick frack on a stick this entire article is over thought,
    this incorrect names for foods thing is something to give you a downright immature chuckle.
    It’s just kind of funny and make you go “Haha what”. Or like make you do a thing where you laugh by breathing a little faster
    Not everybody agrees but there’s no need to blow it out of proportion

  • sabs546

    Theres a huge difference between what this comments section thinks
    And the facebook comments section

    The facebook one agrees more
    Whilst this one doesnt

  • Unclever title

    It’s like that article was written by a fake horse or something, or rather, that’s what Borns was going for while failing miserably at being entertaining.

  • JH1010

    Buzzfeed – WBW for stupid people.

    • you can’t even compare buzzfeed to wbw. they’re 2 completely different things.

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