As an add-on to the Oscars Live Blog, this is a post that resulted from a deep and miserable procrastination spiral I had over the summer. In case you’re worried that we’re turning into TMZ, we’ll be back to normal posts on Tuesday, March 11th.
My dad told me, “It takes fifteen years to be an overnight success,” and it took me seventeen and a half years. –Adrien Brody
That’s the eating shit section. Almost every star ate an incredible amount of shit for years before anyone ever heard of them. And if you dig hard enough, you can watch it happening. Let’s give it a try:
Stars as Extras
Deniro played a number of small weird roles, but this one was certainly one of the smallest.
Skip to 1:58 and check out the waiter. Not a large part for Brad.
And here’s another Pitt background role.
Stars in Commercials
Pretty dark. Jason Alexander has to be pleased with where his career ended up, given that this is where it once was.
What an incompetent family.
Matt Le Blanc
One of the least plausible commercials I’ve seen.
He’s not even the guy in the Pringles commercial. He’s Guy #2 in the Pringles commercial. Definitely still waiting on the big break.
That handsome fuck. Also, really unimpressed by the mom’s lack of self-control. One bite of shitty cheese and she does a 180 on her whole stance.
Stars in Tiny Roles
Weird choice by Tom Cruise to inhale helium before going on camera.
Harrison Ford’s first screen appearance. Also, no one today looks as awesome and old-timey as that man sitting at the table.
Look at our boy, moving up the ladder with a speaking role!
Stars When They Were Kids
(Lest you think any successful actor had a normal childhood.)
Robert Downey, Jr.
Not super impressed with that acting. But highly adorable.
Sarah Michelle Gellar
Both an intensely cute and supremely weird performance by Sarah. And apparently Burger King is the primary springboard to stardom for any aspiring actor.
Oldest-looking 12-year-old ever.
That is not yet a sentient person.
Justin Timberlake and Ryan Gosling
Well didn’t these two needledicks end up doing just fine for themselves. Watching this led to an internal debate about who ended up with a bigger career. JT by a hair?
Stars with Big Parts in Obscure Movies
Clooney toiled away in obscurity for the first 17 years of his acting career before breaking out, and this immensely 80s TV show is no exception.
She’s made nice progress since this first role in a depressing Australian TV movie.
Ferris Beuller the TV show was canceled after one season, despite clearly being an amazing show.
His first role—a one-time appearance on a 1960’s TV show.
Everyone’s gotta start somewhere.
And finally, I’ll leave you with this TREAT: