There are a lot of sayings out there. So many that they just kind of blend into normal English. People say things like “enough is enough” and “it goes without saying” and “first things first” without even realizing they’re quoting some proverb. Some sayings originated in movies. Others were coined by famous writers or celebrities. A shocking amount were coined by Shakespeare. And while most of these idioms are serving us just fine, there are some that need to go:

1) Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Why? Why, if someone fools me twice, should I feel shameful? And what kind of dick fools people twice? It should go, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, seriously get the hell away.”

2) It’s deja vu all over again. This is just annoying. Further, I’ve never experienced deja vu. I said this once in a group of people and everyone made me feel bad about myself. Sorry if I’m not some mythical being who’s connected to the spirits and sees dead people and thinks they’ve been in situations in another lifetime before. That definitely makes me the weird one here.

3) I slept like a baby. Babies don’t sleep well. They’re incredibly light, restless sleepers.

4) The only person you can trust is yourself. What kind of horrible lives have people had that they say this shit? Who would want to marry someone who says this kind of thing? Frankly, I trust a lot of people more than I trust myself. I mess a lot of things up. I’m a pretty reckless driver, I sleep through my alarm sometimes, I do everything at the last minute, I lose stuff, I mistreat my belongings, I buy too many groceries and end up throwing a lot of them out—I’m not especially trustworthy.

5) I’ll forgive…but I will never forget. Oh, won’t you? Well at least you forgave me, in that ominous vengeful way. Thanks for that.

6) Things are not always what they seem. This one is only on the list because it’s the kind of thing the scary narrator would say at the beginning of the kids’ ghost movie and it upset me when I was five.

7) Don’t be a stranger. First of all, it’s just kind of an annoying thing to say. Secondly, the only people who have ever said this to me are people I kind of hope I don’t have to hang out with again for a long time.

8) Life is short. I know. And it’s a fact that upsets me. And I don’t want to be reminded of it. The worst is when people follow this with something, like, “Life is short, so make the most of it.” That’s like someone telling me, “You know that great relationship you’re in? Well, I know the future and she’s going to leave you for another guy in three weeks, so make the most of it now!” or “You’re going to get fired in a month, so dive in and enjoy your job while it lasts!” It’s precisely when I forget that life is short and finite that I can actually enjoy myself.

9) The early bird catches the worm! The early bird is also kind of a smug piece of shit. This country has a discrimination problem when it comes to early risers and night owls. If someone works eight hours from 7am to 3pm, everyone’s like, “What a great adult!” But if someone works 10 hours, from 11am to 9pm, people are like, “He didn’t even get to work until 11 today—he really needs to get his life together.” And yes, this is personal.

10) Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. No comment.

11) Practice makes perfect! No it doesn’t. Practice makes it more painful when you’re still bad at it. I’ve spent a lot of time on driving ranges and putting greens.

12) A picture is worth 1,000 words. 1,000 is a gross exaggeration. This post is about 1,000 words. If I just posted some photo instead people wouldn’t be like, “That seems sufficient.” They’d be like, “What is this shitty photo and where is the Monday post?”  And doesn’t this contradict the whole notion of TV being a loathsome waste of time while reading is a wonderful, enriching activity? Which makes no sense, by the way. If someone sits inside all afternoon and watches the History Channel and learns all about the Civil War in the process, people would be like, “He’s just wasting away in there…so sad…he must be depressed.” But if they spend the afternoon reading some trashy novel—then what a wonderful way to spend a Saturday!

13) All good things come to those who wait. Not remotely true.

14) We’ll cross that bridge when we get there. Thanks, dick, but if I wanted to discuss it later I wouldn’t have brought it up now.

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